It hurts because........I feel it

Why is there so much power in ONE word? I am guilty, I am absolutely guilty of using the "R" word as a teenager. I used it as most people did, in place of  words like........."dumb", "stupid", "crazy", or "ridiculous". I did A LOT of stupid things as a teenager, things that I would never even consider doing as an adult. That doesn't excuse my behavior then, it doesn't make it ok. It does inflict tremendous pain on my heart to know that when I so carelessly used this word, I hurt someone else.

"Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it" ~ Albus Dumbledore 

The first time I became conscious of using the word was when I started working as a caregiver for adults with disabilities. I read their files, I saw the medical term "mentally retarded" written in them. For the first time in my life, I put together the medical term with the "slang" and more common use of the word, my clients at the time could have been called many things, but I would not have used any of the words more commonly associated with the R word to describe them...EVER. And so, I became aware of it, and I tried to stop using it. Life went on after that, and though I had mostly removed the word from my vocabulary, my friends and family had not. I didn't say anything, it was just a word I chose not to use. 

It wasn't until I was sitting in a classroom in a meeting about my 6 year old child, when the psychologist in attendance said they needed to change his label due to his age, so he would not be classified as DD (developmentally delayed) anymore, he would be MR (Mentally Retarded). That moment in time stands still for me. I remember it like it was yesterday, I remember the words echoing in my head, and feeling so many levels of pain at one time. I remember feeling like I could not breath, like suddenly I was drowning, I remember feeling like someone had just stabbed me in the heart.

"The tongue has no bones but it can break a heart" ~ Ed Sheeran

And why do I HATE that word now? Because my child is not  "dumb", "stupid", "crazy", or "ridiculous"........and because, I feel it; I feel it EVERY SINGLE time I hear someone say it, my breath catches and I feel it ALL over again. Every stigma, every hidden meaning, all screaming in my face that my child is whatever they are using the word in place of. I KNOW people don't mean it that way, but that does NOT change what it means to me, or how it makes me feel. I had to start asking people to please not say it, my acquaintances, my friends, my family.....I even went as far once (to a family member) interrupting every time she said it and saying "oh, so you mean it was like my son". I think that night she was furious at me, but she FINALLY understood what I had been trying to tell her, and I am happy to report that since that night several years ago, I've never heard her say the word. 

I have also had people try to defend the use of the word to me, I have written those people off for my own sanity. And so through the years people I care about have just respectfully dropped it from their own vocabularies, because they realize how painful it is. One of the proudest moments of my adult life was at one of my birthday celebrations, we were with a group of friends and family at a comedy club, and the comedian was profusely using the R word, I don't think I even sat there for 10 minutes, before my cousin and I got up and walked out, not even 5 minutes later our entire group joined us and we told the manager why we were leaving. Is that huge? Was it life changing? Did the Comedian decide to stop saying the word? No.....but to me, on my birthday.....it was pretty amazing.

"In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, 

but the silence of our friends" ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

In 2009 "Spread the Word to end the Word" started, I took the pledge then in March of 2009, and I have taken the pledge every year. I have shared the website, I have asked people to think about their word choices. Visit their site, take the pledge, share their videos and graphics. Do your part......help to make people aware of their word choices, aware that some words do have a stigma attached to them, and that quite frankly makes them unacceptable.

Go your own way.......

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" ~ Neale Donald Walsch

There are many times in my sons 17 years of life that I have stood in utter awe of him. Things I have watched him do, and the pride just swells up inside. Many things, that I know I could not or would not have done. Things I think might break my heart, but he just triumphs, stands tall and moves forward with a confidence I can only aspire to have.
I have said before, that he has many "friends", the thing is..... his friends are much different than mine were, sometimes I just can't wrap my brain around it.

When I was in high school I went no where by myself. I would have never had the courage to walk into a football game, a basketball game, an assembly or a dance alone.....I just wouldn't. Very rarely did I even walk into the school or to class by myself. My friends were with me ALL the time, which I completely adore them for. I wasn't strong enough....I wasn't as strong as him, that much is for sure. I'm still not. As an adult I rarely go places where there will be a large group of people totally by myself.
But, he does...he so badly wants to be a part of things, he so desperately would LOVE for someone to invite him along, but they rarely do and he seems "ok" with that. I can hear the catch in his voice when he knows all his friends are going to something together or going out after a dance, and no one has invited him. But, he doesn't let it change him, he doesn't let it effect his attitude, he doesn't let it erase his smile.

" It takes nothing to join the crowd, it takes everything to stand alone" ~ Annonymous

He goes to all the sporting events he can manage to go to, he drives himself, he goes alone. He was invited to two school dances by friends (which caused so much joy and a smile that could melt your heart), but has gone to many, many more alone. Last night he was picking his clothes for the Winter Formal, I asked who he's going with..his answer "myself". My heart broke a little, but at the same time I'm just so proud of him...he didn't say I'll just go alone, or no one will go with me, he said he is going with himself......... and he was fine with that, he's always been "fine" with that.
It's ME who has the issue, it's ME that feels bad for him, it's ME that wishes people would invite him, it's ME that wants him to be included, it's all ME.

Don't get me wrong, like I said....I hear the catch in his voice, or see the sadness flash across his eyes, I hear the pride in his heart when someone does invite him. But he marches on, he goes alone, he wants to be a part of it all and so he makes it happen.
Prom is coming up, it will be his first year to go. It makes me sick to my stomach.....it makes me want to call every high school girl I know and find a date for him so he never has to deal with rejection, or call all of his "friends" and see if they have a group going, but I won't. I will let him figure it out, and pray to God it doesn't break him down. I can't imagine him without his big heart, or his smile, or his trusting and loving nature. So many times I see him in situations that would have completely BROKEN me, and yet....he perseveres, he marches on.
I know he has some amazing friends, and I know he is an amazing person.....I know he is one of the strongest people I know, and I know that I am proud of him EVERY single day. I just hope that society, the world, and expectations don't ever take away from all that he is and will be.

"What lies before us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us." ~ Henry David Thoreau

Calm in the Chaos

"Our Anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it." - Kahlil Gibran

Honestly, I have always been a "type A" kind of person. I pride myself on being pretty organized. I am a list maker, a chart maker, I have folders out the wazoo, I even have a color coded schedule/calendar. Lately though, I'm not sure what is going on!
I just realized yesterday, yes YESTERDAY that I haven't made ANY plans for my child's birthday. It is ONE WEEK away. Seriously, I planned his parties TODAY! Typically this would have been well thought out, planned to the T. I would have sent invitations, I would have a theme, decorations and everything would be ready to go, I'm slipping! So, I have come up with 5 possible causes for my total chaos.

"It's all about finding the calm in the chaos" - Donna Karan

1. Age.......I mean, I am getting older, I just had a birthday. I forget things! I've not hit the big 40 yet, but lets face it I feel every bit of my age. I can see the gray hairs sneaking in, I see the lines getting more defined on my face. I am exhausted, like really exhausted.
2. Anxiety is finally under control......so, maybe this is it. After years and years of having anxiety (and not even realizing it) I have finally started being more proactive in my mental health. I have medication to help, I also use essential oils, meditation and prayer. I have less of a reason to need to control everything, because for once I realize..... I don't, and it is all going to be ok!
3. Too much going on...... this is a strong contender! I mean seriously, it is hard to find an open night around here! My own schedule is pretty crazy with my job, my blog, my parents' group, deciding to get involved in local politics, band practice, performances, and trying to keep everything from going to heck at home. On top of that, I have my husband, and his work schedule, he is also pretty active in the boys' extra activities, so he has coaching and cub scouts. My soon to be 18 year old son with his school, home work, job and sports (player and/or spectator). My 14 year old son with his school, home work, and clubs. My soon to be 8 year old, with his crazy schedule of school, homework, cub scouts, football, soccer, and baseball. Let's just say....we are lucky to find more than one night a week that we can have dinner together! 
4. The person I spend the most time with outside of my family is a total "free-spirit", yes this is true. She may very well be rubbing off on me. She has taught me though that freaking out about everything only stresses me out MORE, and that doesn't do anyone any good.
5. I live in a house FULL of boys.....well, like I mentioned above, my boys are pretty busy. When they are at home they are STILL busy doing SOMETHING. Besides that, it seems they like to think they live with a full time maid who will gladly pick up their dishes, their clothes, their coats, their back packs. For the record (I rarely pick up after them, they are responsible for their own things), but I do have to tell them if I HAVE to pick it up, it's going to The Mission or the trash.

Whatever the reason may be, I have been a mess lately!  I haven't actually written on my "color coded" calendar since January 5th, when I filled it out (about a week late). I can not even tell you the last time I made a list (except for grocery lists ~ I haven't TOTALLY lost it).

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be" - Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

One of the Schlodder girls.........

Photo by Susan Rollins Photography

"If you don't understand how a woman can love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child." ~ Linda Sunshine

Since the age of 6, I have been known to most people in my hometown as "one of the Schlodder girls". I used to be irritated by that...my name is Christina, I am my own person, I am not just part of a whole known as "the Schlodder girls". As an adult though I see things from a different prospective, I am my own person, but the three of us together are "the Schlodder girls", and we each add our own unique personality to that mix.

"How the hell do you sum up your sister in three minutes? She's your twin and your polar opposite. She's your constant companion and your competition. She's your best friend and the biggest bitch in the world. She's everything you wish you could be and everything you wish you weren't" 
~ M. Molly Backes

I am the oldest of 3 girls, I was the first to do most things, I was stubborn, I was rebellious, I broke most of the rules before my parents could even think to make them. I did well in school without trying, I played sports (but was never exceptionally good at any), I quit all sports and started a part-time job at age 14. As an adult I had a past principal describe me to my husband as "the biggest under achiever" he said I always had much more potential than I gave myself credit for, I did great things with little effort, had I ever really tried I could have accomplished amazing things, he was right. I paved the way for my sisters, in some ways I might have made life a little harder on them, but in other ways I am sure I made it easier.There was no way they were ever going to break as many rules as me, and of course they didn't. I guess I showed them how NOT to do things.....and I'm okay with that role.

My younger sister....oh boy, she is headstrong, she is blunt, she is an over achiever, if she can't perfect something she more than likely will not do it. She comes off as incredibly tough, but the truth is....she has a heart the size of the ocean, she gets hurt easily, she takes everything you say to heart. She is her own harshest critic, she was the super athlete, the best at everything she did.

My youngest sister, well she has always just been the youngest. Trying to find her way out of the trenches. She was spoiled beyond belief, growing up she only had to turn on those tears and tell our parents how mean we were and voila....., she had all of the best "stuff". She always had 2 older sisters to look out for her, but that also means she had us to boss her around. We could get her to do just about anything we asked her to do. She was the one who did everything she was "supposed" to.

"She is your heart, she is your partner in crime, she is your witness who sees you at your best and worst, she is your mirror, you are the best example for her, she's your little sister." 
~ unknown

My mom and dad both worked, so from about age 10-11, I was in charge, I would make lists and chore charts, I was so good at being the boss of everyone, micro managing....  I guess I was preparing for life without even knowing it. I drove them to school, I picked them up from school. My youngest sister had to be with me and my friends probably more than she could have ever wanted to be, but she has some pretty awesome stories from those times (I've heard her tell them). Oh and our fights.....we would have EPIC fights. The thing with 3 sisters is, one person can easily get ganged up on and usually does. It wasn't all fighting growing up, we had good times, we had some great times.....

As adults I feel a great respect for each of my sisters, I am very proud of both of them. My younger sister has achieved amazing things. She graduated college in 2 1/2 years (which still amazes me), she has a great job (with a Company I won't mention), she not only has a house.....she built her own home before the age of 30. She is strong, she is independent, she is one of the funnest/craziest people I know. She is an amazing Aunt to all of the kids. My youngest sister has also done great things. First and foremost she has 2 amazing kids, and she is a great mom. She also got her nursing degree and has now just accepted the Director of Nursing position at her local hospital, she's pretty special, she's pretty important...she is a Big deal. She is much more reserved and "proper" than us older two, but don't let that fool you, she is just as crazy as us!
I can't imagine life without my 2 sisters. We have a fun time, we keep each other young, we keep each other's childhood memories relevant. We advise, even when not asked...we laugh, we cry. We can just be, I think when we three are together we can each truly be ourselves.  Our journey to adulthood has not been without bumps, but we have grown to respect each other both as individuals and as the "whole" we make when we're together. As much as we may not like to admit it, we are each strong women, but we are much stronger together. And so now I take great pride in being referred to as "one of the Schlodder girls", that phrase would mean something entirely different without one of us, because I am and always will be one part of that whole.

"So here's to my sister. Remember everyday. No matter what I've said, here's what I want to say. I will always love you, be with you till the end, when no one else is around, I will always be your friend" ~ unknown

'It's the Life in your years'

If there was one thing I learned in 2014, it was that tomorrow is never promised........ to any of us. So, I like to think I lived my life accordingly in 2015.

"For last year's words belong to last years language and next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning." ~ T.S. Elliot

   It is truly amazing the amount of things you can squeeze into the time frame of one year! This blog will be about reflecting on what happened throughout the year. I was blessed to be able to accompany my middle son on his very first plane ride, when he visited Washington D.C. to speak to members of congress about Fragile X and how it affects him, as a part of National Fragile X Advocacy Day. I got to reconnect with amazing friends, and he was able to meet so many new people. He also was able to see that in the Fragile X world, he is famous! We had some hiccups here at home about that trip, but they were worked out, and I was once again reminded that there will never be a battle I have to fight alone, thanks to amazing friends, family and my home and Fragile X Communities.
   We also had the amazing experience of hosting a foreign exchange student, and I am never sure what to call him when writing, he is much more than "exchange student". He enriched our lives, he taught us things about his culture, and things about ourselves, he is Giovanni.....he was our child for almost a year, a brother to my sons, and will forever be part of our family. We were able to be a part of his american high school experience, new sports, new friends, dances, prom, and earning his certificate of attendance at the high school Graduation ceremony. We also had to watch as he said goodbye, not only to us and our family, but also to the many friends he made while he was here.
   Shortly after Giovanni left to return to Brazil, we went on a family vacation to Arizona. We all 5 rode on an airplane (Rhevl's first flight). We stayed in Sedona for a couple days, my best friend from grade school met us there with her kids and for the first time in 6 years I was able to wrap my arms around her. All was well with the world. Plus, we were in Sedona.....if you've never been I highly recommend it. It is filled with such beauty and an overwhelming calming energy. We had to part ways with her and her family as we headed up to the Grand Canyon, with a stop off in Williams (a town COVERED in Route 66 paraphernalia). Again, the beauty of the Grand Canyon is something you must see in person, no picture will ever show how awe inspiring it is. **Sidenote.....I love the ocean, one thing I have always loved about it is how incredibly small it makes me feel. Like there is SO much more to the world than me, the Grand Canyon in all it's glory had the same astounding effect on me. We were able to see another friend in Flagstaff on our way back to the airport to return home.
   A week after our return I got to cross a 10 year old dream off my list, when I went with Rhett to participate in a Fragile X Study and walked into the UC Davis MIND institute in Sacramento. I will never be able to explain in words how extremely poignant that trip was or how emotionally overwhelming it was.
   We held our 2nd and 3rd 'Indian Taco Fundraiser' to help cover the costs for Rhein and Rhett to attend the International Fragile X Conference in San Antonio in Summer of 2016. We have had such a tremendous amount of support that we reached our initial goal and are hoping to find a way to offer a few scholarships to other self-advocates hoping to attend, as it is truly a life-changing experience.
   We tried something new this year when we embarked on a family vacation with my WHOLE family. My mom, dad, me, my husband, sisters, brother-in-law and all of our kids! We had an amazing 3 day vacation and tons of fun. We stayed in a big cabin, each adult or couple had their own room AND bathroom. We went out on the lake, went swimming, did some tubing, a couple people attempted skiing. We went to Silver Dollar City and lots of different go-cart tracks around Branson. Went to the Wax museum. IT is a tradition that I honestly hope we keep doing, even if it's every other year. Shoot, my sisters and I can even make a trip to Wal-Mart a fun time.
Finally, this fall, Jason and I got to go on a trip by ourselves! He was having a conference in San Francisco for his job. We flew out and a couple of our friends came out as well. He attended all his meetings and then we had a few days for vacation! We walked all over San Francisco, he and his best friend went to a 49ers game, while us ladies went on a winery tour in Sonoma Valley. We got to go to the Golden Gate Bridge, the state park, the piers, I got to visit China town and Little Italy, and we all got to tour Alcatraz. It was a fantastic time.

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years" ~ Abraham Lincoln

   There are many things sprinkled in between these big events: Rhevl got 1st place in his very first Pinewood Derby Race, Jason lost his grandmother in early spring, Rhein and Rhett were able to meet two amazing therapists at a local Fragile X Conference, I got a tattoo that I had been planning for years. Rhein and I traveled to South Carolina for our 3rd year of his study, Rhevl started actually singing with me while we perform with Rhett and Michelle at area churches and nursing homes, Rhett had a part in his Middle School Musical, We were able to go visit with Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins at her local office to discuss Fragile X with her, Rhevl played soccer and had Jason and Giovanni as his coaches,  Rhein was manager for the baseball team, and they let him bat during a game (he hit the ball and the crowd and home dug-out went CRAZY cheering for him), Rhevl finally learned to ride his bike without training wheels, I started blogging,   Rhevl started baseball (and was coached by his dad AND my dad), we had several Schlodder family get togethers at the family farm, I finally exited the mini-van driving club when we purchased a new vehicle this fall, Rhett ran for Student Council again this year and was voted in,  Rhevl played flag football for his first year, and loved it, we held the 3rd annual Holton Fragile X "satelitte" walk, and attended the Fragile X Walk in Kansas City, I lost a good friend on the anniversary of my grandmother's passing, the Holton Wildcat Football Team went all the way to state this year and handled the ice and freezing rain like champs, and somewhere along the way all the kids keep growing, and the two oldest have surpassed my dad in height.

Some of my favorite "selfies" from 2015......maybe I need a selfie stick......

   So......all in all we had a pretty great year! I look forward to seeing what this coming year brings, and I can't wait to share it all with you.......

I am going to decide to be happy this Christmas....

I have to stay busy this time of year, if I don't I reflect or think too much and it is pretty easy to go to a place of doom and gloom when it's gray skies all around outside. 

So, I stay busy doing things.....doing things that unfortunately make me remember, and make me feel that loss. You see, a lot of my childhood Christmas memories involve my Granny & Gramps. Granny loved Christmas, she loved to decorate, she loved to GIVE to people, she loved to make candy trays and stop in to visit with people. She loved to entertain and host parties or dinners, she would usually host at least 3 different things during December. She loved to play the holiday music on her console record player (and later her tape/CD player). 

This is one of my favorite pictures, Granny & Gramps
in that little window opening looking in on their guests
at Granny's Brother & Sister get together.

It all starts with setting up my Christmas decorations, I have half of my Granny's decorations, she would give me 2 or 3 every year. I have her old Christmas tree (the one we would decorate every year after Thanksgiving dinner). I use her cook book to make Christmas Candy and my favorite Christmas Cookies. I make her potato soup when we have our family Christmas. I sing in our church on Christmas Eve, with that still small hope, that she's just running late and will walk in at any minute. 

Oh, Christmas Eve.....this day is probably harder for me than actual Christmas Day.....when Rhein was about 3, we decided that we were done going to 6 different Christmas', so we would do our own Christmas and stop going to our 3 grandparents for the big family Christmas'. But, Granny was very persistent and she would not let us go, she needed help with this or that all through the week of Christmas. So, we decided after church on Christmas Eve we would just go to Granny and Gramps' house and help them get the leaves put in the table, set the table for dinner the next day and just help them get ready. Then we decided we would need to eat while we were there, so we ordered a pizza, and no meal is complete without dessert, so we needed a birthday cake for Jesus! If you had told me that first year that the little pre-celebration we had started would become my absolute favorite part of Christmas, I doubt I would have believed you. There was no stress, there was just us 5 and then us 6, after Rhett was born. 

But see, we started a tradition. Of course no one ever thinks they are starting a tradition, they just do it so many times and then it becomes expected, it becomes a tradition. So this Christmas I miss her, of course I do, and even though the hurt and loss is heavy......for the past couple weeks I have been remembering something Granny would tell me during one of the darkest times of my life (and honestly at the time it made me furious with her). "You just decide Christina, you just wake up every morning and decide to be happy". 

Well, I am here and I am trying to be happy, trying to keep my mind busy. Knowing full well, that the traditions she passed to me or started with me, will be passed to my children and hopefully theirs. I also know that she is with me....and though I might not see her walk through the doors of the church this evening, she will be there, just like she always was.

When "great love" becomes "deep grief".......

"Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love" - Anonymous

***I have sat down to write this blog at least 30 times, and every single time I can't find the words. I want it to be perfect, I want it to convey my feelings, but most of all I want it to honor an amazing lady in my life. I'm terrified it will fall short of my expectations. But, I have to write it, it seems I can't think of anything else. I'm sure I will leave things out, I'm also sure I will write more than one blog about this amazing lady.

Almost a year ago, I lost my Granny.....my grandmother, my teacher, my life coach, my friend. She had 9 grandchildren, I am only one of them, she was many different things to all of us.....but all I can write about is what she was to me.
I was very lucky, as a child I lived just blocks from my grandparents. I could walk to their house, and did....often. At Granny's there were not many rules.....we could have unlimited amounts of candy, she made fabulous treats, and amazing food.

Most people know she was an amazing cook.....but I know the backstory; I know what happened when she first learned to make gravy, and when she doubted her cooking skills after getting married. I know she had to learn. I know because she taught me. While she taught me, she told stories. Looking back, I wish I had recorded them, I wish I had written them down. I wish I could remember more than just a few, but I didn't know how much I would long to remember them one day.....
And so here lies my problem......just like I could never remember ALL those stories, I could never put in to words ALL the things my Granny taught me. I know that at least once a day, I think "oh, I have to tell Granny this when I talk to her", and then I realize I won't talk to her and the pain hits me so hard I can barely breathe.

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." - Vicki Harrison

You see, as a child...she was just my Granny. She baked and cooked, she taught me how to paint my nails, she listened to records with us and taught us how to tap dance in her kitchen. She taught us songs, by Brenda Lee and had us perform at her meetings. She let us play "beauty parlor" and "dress up". She liked to have fun, and always had a good time. I was probably 9 when I broke a cup out of her China cabinet....I was devastated, she wasn't; with that she taught me that people are more important than "things"... regardless, I did spend the rest of her life looking for a replacement cup, I told her once and she just laughed and laughed...."Christina, I don't care about that cup."
As an adult, she became my friend and confidant. I could call her about ANYTHING and if there was something she could do to help, she did.... we talked almost every day. I would go to her house to help her with things, and she would come to my house to help me. I cringe now, because there were days when I thought..."does she REALLY have to call me everyday?" ........Yes, she did have to, and now I would give anything for one more phone call. As she got older, it became obvious she needed a little more help. I would go and help her when she needed help; baking, rolling out dough, trip to the store, anything..... but, Thursday was our day: Beauty shop, groceries and sonic drinks.

She then moved into assisted living, with my Aunt....in Hiawatha. She always thought she'd just been there a couple weeks, but in reality she lived there for four years. When she first moved, I was lost. I was absolutely relieved that she was safe, but lost without her daily calls or drop in visits. But, we adjusted. Thursday was still our day, I would call her on Thursdays and we would talk and talk, just like she was still a few blocks away. We would go up to visit and after a while, it just became our new normal. As her memory got worse, those calls became more difficult, and again, I regret that sometimes I would skip a week.....just because I thought it was too hard.


"The reality is you will grieve forever, You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same, nor should you want to." ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

There are SO many things throughout my day, that remind me of a "story" or fabulous memory. With every memory comes a wave of emotion. Since her passing, I have realized that for most of my life, I took her for granted. But, I also realize what a huge role she played in my life. She always loved me....even at my worst, she always wanted what was best for me, she always believed in me (usually more than I believed in myself), she was my biggest fan, she was my teacher of life lessons, she was my Granny, and she was my absolute best friend. So, now all I can do is try to be the person she believed I could be, so that when we do meet again.....I can have some amazing stories to tell her.