When "great love" becomes "deep grief".......

"Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love" - Anonymous

***I have sat down to write this blog at least 30 times, and every single time I can't find the words. I want it to be perfect, I want it to convey my feelings, but most of all I want it to honor an amazing lady in my life. I'm terrified it will fall short of my expectations. But, I have to write it, it seems I can't think of anything else. I'm sure I will leave things out, I'm also sure I will write more than one blog about this amazing lady.

Almost a year ago, I lost my Granny.....my grandmother, my teacher, my life coach, my friend. She had 9 grandchildren, I am only one of them, she was many different things to all of us.....but all I can write about is what she was to me.
I was very lucky, as a child I lived just blocks from my grandparents. I could walk to their house, and did....often. At Granny's there were not many rules.....we could have unlimited amounts of candy, she made fabulous treats, and amazing food.

Most people know she was an amazing cook.....but I know the backstory; I know what happened when she first learned to make gravy, and when she doubted her cooking skills after getting married. I know she had to learn. I know because she taught me. While she taught me, she told stories. Looking back, I wish I had recorded them, I wish I had written them down. I wish I could remember more than just a few, but I didn't know how much I would long to remember them one day.....
And so here lies my problem......just like I could never remember ALL those stories, I could never put in to words ALL the things my Granny taught me. I know that at least once a day, I think "oh, I have to tell Granny this when I talk to her", and then I realize I won't talk to her and the pain hits me so hard I can barely breathe.

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." - Vicki Harrison

You see, as a child...she was just my Granny. She baked and cooked, she taught me how to paint my nails, she listened to records with us and taught us how to tap dance in her kitchen. She taught us songs, by Brenda Lee and had us perform at her meetings. She let us play "beauty parlor" and "dress up". She liked to have fun, and always had a good time. I was probably 9 when I broke a cup out of her China cabinet....I was devastated, she wasn't; with that she taught me that people are more important than "things"... regardless, I did spend the rest of her life looking for a replacement cup, I told her once and she just laughed and laughed...."Christina, I don't care about that cup."
As an adult, she became my friend and confidant. I could call her about ANYTHING and if there was something she could do to help, she did.... we talked almost every day. I would go to her house to help her with things, and she would come to my house to help me. I cringe now, because there were days when I thought..."does she REALLY have to call me everyday?" ........Yes, she did have to, and now I would give anything for one more phone call. As she got older, it became obvious she needed a little more help. I would go and help her when she needed help; baking, rolling out dough, trip to the store, anything..... but, Thursday was our day: Beauty shop, groceries and sonic drinks.

She then moved into assisted living, with my Aunt....in Hiawatha. She always thought she'd just been there a couple weeks, but in reality she lived there for four years. When she first moved, I was lost. I was absolutely relieved that she was safe, but lost without her daily calls or drop in visits. But, we adjusted. Thursday was still our day, I would call her on Thursdays and we would talk and talk, just like she was still a few blocks away. We would go up to visit and after a while, it just became our new normal. As her memory got worse, those calls became more difficult, and again, I regret that sometimes I would skip a week.....just because I thought it was too hard.


"The reality is you will grieve forever, You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same, nor should you want to." ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

There are SO many things throughout my day, that remind me of a "story" or fabulous memory. With every memory comes a wave of emotion. Since her passing, I have realized that for most of my life, I took her for granted. But, I also realize what a huge role she played in my life. She always loved me....even at my worst, she always wanted what was best for me, she always believed in me (usually more than I believed in myself), she was my biggest fan, she was my teacher of life lessons, she was my Granny, and she was my absolute best friend. So, now all I can do is try to be the person she believed I could be, so that when we do meet again.....I can have some amazing stories to tell her.