"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets" ~ Paul Tournier
This is a hard one to write.....but after the 2 speeches at the Oscars last night that struck a chord with me, I feel like I really need to write it. I am not looking for sympathy, or validation. I am simply hoping that by sharing my story people can understand the reality behind depression, as I truly feel like it is a disease that you can not possibly understand unless you have experienced it. The best you can do is to empathize, and really everyone should.
It always amazes me the question that the doctor asks (I guess to see if you are depressed)......"Have you thought of hurting yourself?" Easy answer NO.... because it goes much deeper than that. Have I thought that I am a total failure? YES. Have I thought I will never be good enough or do enough? YES. Have I thought people in my life would be better off without me? YES. Have I thought I will not make it through the day? YES. Have I thought I am not worthy of love, complements or praise? YES. But have I thought of hurting myself?.....NO.
I have struggled with Anxiety/Depression for most of my life without even realizing it, I thought my thoughts and antics were totally normal, because they were my normal. Looking back, I can see that I have obviously had issues with anxiety/depression since adolescents. I spent many years looking for acceptance, love and a way to feel better, in all the WRONG places. I'm sure most people would try to blame all of this on their circumstances, their family or their surroundings....I do not. I also do not try to excuse my actions or behaviors, I had a rough time because I didn't love myself, I didn't even like myself and I thought that was totally "normal". The lows always got lower though and it wasn't until an extremely low point after my youngest child was born that I actually saw my issues for what they were, sought help, and started on this journey of learning about my mental health.
This journey has taught me many things, it has given me the ability to look at things differently, to see the other side, to see the logic. I used to view things solely in a "self-centered" state of mind. I also realize how hard it was (and is) to be my friend, and I am thankful for the few who stood beside me through it all. Now, for the most part, I am beyond that.
For me anxiety and depression go hand and hand, if I am not anxious then it is more than likely because I have gone into the numb state of depression.The numb state is what is scary, the numb state is where I cease to have feelings, or dreams or hope. It's a very difficult, very fine line to walk. Where your logic is constantly battling with your emotions. I am thankful everyday for having the logic to realize what was happening and call my doctor when the bad emotions got worse. I am thankful for the people who know me, truly know me, and love me despite my flaws. And quite honestly I am thankful for the people who don't. When you walk this line that I and many others walk, you have very little room for negativity. It is emotionally draining at best. It is hard to realize that people you once considered friends or even family are actually toxic to your mental well being, it is extremely painful to realize. But, it is absolutely necessary, for me I am my own worst enemy....... I have poor self-esteem, I say terrible things to myself in my own head, I am hard on myself, I set unrealistic expectations for myself, there is very little room for the added pressure of toxic relationships and negative people.
There is no cure......but there is treatment, and it may take a while to find what works for you (big surprise we aren't all wired the same). For me, I have some amazing people in my life in addition to them I have found prayer, meditation, essential oils and medication help to keep me balanced. This doesn't mean I don't have lows, I certainly do. People close to me will know when that happens because I withdraw, forget things, and shut-down. I have found if I keep busy and focused, it is much harder to be distracted by my own self-hate. Thankfully, I have a lot to keep me busy......
I hope that most people will never experience the gamete of emotions that are involved in depression/anxiety. I think it is hard to understand because people don't "talk about it out loud", for most people to think about depression means someone is sad, in a rut, feeling sorry for themselves, having a pity party. When that is really very far from the truth...Depression is dark and dangerous, it attacks your mind, plays with your emotion, makes you honestly believe things that are never true. If we don't talk about it, the only option is to hide it away like a deep dark secret, and that is obviously not doing anyone any favors.
"Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer" ~ Dorothy Rowe
Monday, February 23, 2015
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Freezer Meals...easy, right?
For about a year now I have been thinking about making "freezer meals". With a husband, three boys, exchange student, sporting activities, cub scouts, practices and my new real estate career, it makes sense and would make my life easier on those busy nights when we barely have time to order take-out.
I have a cookbook about it, I have endless "pins" on my pinterest boards about it, heck I've even sort of half way done a few times. Today, I am finally putting myself to work.....making some freezer meals, of course I am only finally doing it because I am leaving town in a little over a week. So, it won't really make my life easier ~ but it will make sure my family is still eating good food while I'm gone. Hopefully, I can work this in to my regular weekly or bi-weekly routine and eventually make my life easier as well.
This is going to be a small insight into how my brain works............. it might be scary!
There is endless amounts of information about freezer meals online. It is somewhat overwhelming, just to decide how in the world to start! I think that is why I have not ever just had a "cook-day", I couldn't ever figure out where to start, I also abhor changing my routine and I have been menu planning for YEARS. So, this is what I found worked for me. I make a menu every week, on Wednesday nights. My kids don't like half of the food I make, but we can't possibly live off of pizza and hamburgers so I shoot for making foods they like at least twice a week. (I know, I'm terribly mean).
I have menu making down to an exact science...several steps are involved. I have a list of foods we enjoy (most of us), and I have them broken into categories ~ Soup/Salad, Casserole, Pasta, Breakfast, and "Stand-Alone" (this means a meat main dish that will need a side, usually potatoes and green beans). Then, I have a chart, so Monday ~ Stand-Alone, Tuesday ~ Soup, Wednesday ~ Leftovers, Thursday ~ Breakfast, Friday ~ Casserole, Saturday ~ Soup/Salad, Sunday ~ Pasta. Next comes the grocery ad, I go through the ads every week (pretty easy here, we only have 2 grocery stores) and find the best sales and deals. Of course this also involves me making a list (I REALLY like making lists). Then, I pick out meals from my chart that are made with items on sale (I also stock up on things we use a lot if they are on sale). This is where I used to try to fit coupons in also, but really that was an awful lot of work and I would usually end up buying things I didn't need or use. I still occasionally will add some digital coupons to my card, but only AFTER my grocery list is made. Yes, then I make a grocery list from my menu, I put it in the order that I will walk down the aisle, until recently I thought most people make their lists this way ~ apparently not.
So, this week I followed my usual plan, but when I made my list I doubled some of the ingredients. When I make one meal, I will make double and Freeze the extra. By the end of the week I will have 4 meals frozen for my trip, plus a lot of my prep work for the week done. And really I only spent about $10 more than usual at the store. Each week, I shoot for spending $100 or less at the grocery store, this feeds my family of 6 every night, lunch on the weekends, plus lunches for my husband , youngest son and myself the rest of the week. (I spend an additional $40 - $50 at a big-box store for snacks, drinks and breakfast foods). If all goes well, I really hope to keep freezing meals, and maybe even start a "freezer meal" group in my area (because all moms need something to make life easier).
I have a cookbook about it, I have endless "pins" on my pinterest boards about it, heck I've even sort of half way done a few times. Today, I am finally putting myself to work.....making some freezer meals, of course I am only finally doing it because I am leaving town in a little over a week. So, it won't really make my life easier ~ but it will make sure my family is still eating good food while I'm gone. Hopefully, I can work this in to my regular weekly or bi-weekly routine and eventually make my life easier as well.
This is going to be a small insight into how my brain works............. it might be scary!
There is endless amounts of information about freezer meals online. It is somewhat overwhelming, just to decide how in the world to start! I think that is why I have not ever just had a "cook-day", I couldn't ever figure out where to start, I also abhor changing my routine and I have been menu planning for YEARS. So, this is what I found worked for me. I make a menu every week, on Wednesday nights. My kids don't like half of the food I make, but we can't possibly live off of pizza and hamburgers so I shoot for making foods they like at least twice a week. (I know, I'm terribly mean).
I have menu making down to an exact science...several steps are involved. I have a list of foods we enjoy (most of us), and I have them broken into categories ~ Soup/Salad, Casserole, Pasta, Breakfast, and "Stand-Alone" (this means a meat main dish that will need a side, usually potatoes and green beans). Then, I have a chart, so Monday ~ Stand-Alone, Tuesday ~ Soup, Wednesday ~ Leftovers, Thursday ~ Breakfast, Friday ~ Casserole, Saturday ~ Soup/Salad, Sunday ~ Pasta. Next comes the grocery ad, I go through the ads every week (pretty easy here, we only have 2 grocery stores) and find the best sales and deals. Of course this also involves me making a list (I REALLY like making lists). Then, I pick out meals from my chart that are made with items on sale (I also stock up on things we use a lot if they are on sale). This is where I used to try to fit coupons in also, but really that was an awful lot of work and I would usually end up buying things I didn't need or use. I still occasionally will add some digital coupons to my card, but only AFTER my grocery list is made. Yes, then I make a grocery list from my menu, I put it in the order that I will walk down the aisle, until recently I thought most people make their lists this way ~ apparently not.
So, this week I followed my usual plan, but when I made my list I doubled some of the ingredients. When I make one meal, I will make double and Freeze the extra. By the end of the week I will have 4 meals frozen for my trip, plus a lot of my prep work for the week done. And really I only spent about $10 more than usual at the store. Each week, I shoot for spending $100 or less at the grocery store, this feeds my family of 6 every night, lunch on the weekends, plus lunches for my husband , youngest son and myself the rest of the week. (I spend an additional $40 - $50 at a big-box store for snacks, drinks and breakfast foods). If all goes well, I really hope to keep freezing meals, and maybe even start a "freezer meal" group in my area (because all moms need something to make life easier).
Sunday, February 8, 2015
My Baby Boy......
My baby turned 7 this past week, it's a harsh reminder that time is going by much to fast. I say a lot that he is the "little big brother". He truly is. The first week of first grade I sat next to him while he read "Green Eggs and Ham" cover to cover and I cried, because I remember going over that book line for line because my 5th grader was struggling with reading it. He is patient with both of his older brothers and tries to help them understand things, he always looks for the silver lining for them, points out the things they do well when they are worried about something they struggle with. They are still brothers so they enjoy pestering each other, fighting and driving me crazy on an almost daily basis. He has a big heart, I constantly worry that I push him too far, or expect too much from him.
Last year in the midst of planning a walk for Fragile X, I was completely taken aback when he said "I wish I had Fragile X".............let me explain.
8 years ago I was a mother of two, a 9 year old and a 6 year old, both boys and both Mosaic Fragile X. Deciding to have a baby when you know you are a carrier of a genetic condition that could be passed on and cause your child difficulty in life is not easy.We did not take the decision to have another baby lightly, we talked about it, we prayed about it. I bought books about how to increase your chances of having a girl, why? Well, I really wanted to have a baby girl and quite honestly, girls have a smaller chance of being affected by Fragile X. We had charts, we had a plan. We would follow the guidelines in the books, we would have a girl. I remember telling my husband, if we go through ALL of this and still have a boy, then well...God wants me to be a mother of boys!
4 months later my husband, 2 sons, one of my sisters and I sat in a room watching my sonogram, hearing this sweet little baby's heartbeat.The technician asked if we would like to know the baby's sex ~ our answer was "Of Course".
It's a boy!!!!
Once again a reminder that sometimes my plans don't work out, because God has better ones!
I drove myself home from that sonogram (the boys rode with my husband) and I cried, I cried the whole way home. Crying for the loss of a little girl I now knew I would never have, crying for once again dreaming dreams that would not come true. Then even more so crying, because I realized how utterly selfish I was being, my God....I had just heard the sweetest sound in the world, my baby's heartbeat, and no matter what I LOVED him. I hoped and prayed that he would be healthy, that he would not get the mutated X gene (now a 50% chance he would and I was already 2 for 2).
February 1st, 2008 after being in labor most of the day without even realizing it ( guess what? labor isn't the same every time) my baby was born a short 3 hours after arriving at the center. Since he was my third (and final) baby, I went the completely natural route and had him at the birthing center with my mid-wife and mid-wife in training. My husband helped deliver him and my mother was there, (my biggest cheerleader in the delivery room).
He was perfect, in every way.
We brought him home to meet his brothers, aunts, and Pa a mere 4 hours after coming into this world. He is ornery, he is silly, he is smart, he is caring, and he will forever be my baby BOY!
Even though he is our third child, we learn new things from him all the time. Raising a "typical" child is a lot different than we are used to. School is different, friends are different, sports are different, activities are different, conversations are different. He is everything I never knew I wanted, God knew what he was doing, he knew what I needed.
"There has never been, nor will there ever be, anything quite so special as the love between a mother and a son" - Author unknown
Last year in the midst of planning a walk for Fragile X, I was completely taken aback when he said "I wish I had Fragile X".............let me explain.
8 years ago I was a mother of two, a 9 year old and a 6 year old, both boys and both Mosaic Fragile X. Deciding to have a baby when you know you are a carrier of a genetic condition that could be passed on and cause your child difficulty in life is not easy.We did not take the decision to have another baby lightly, we talked about it, we prayed about it. I bought books about how to increase your chances of having a girl, why? Well, I really wanted to have a baby girl and quite honestly, girls have a smaller chance of being affected by Fragile X. We had charts, we had a plan. We would follow the guidelines in the books, we would have a girl. I remember telling my husband, if we go through ALL of this and still have a boy, then well...God wants me to be a mother of boys!
4 months later my husband, 2 sons, one of my sisters and I sat in a room watching my sonogram, hearing this sweet little baby's heartbeat.The technician asked if we would like to know the baby's sex ~ our answer was "Of Course".
It's a boy!!!!
Once again a reminder that sometimes my plans don't work out, because God has better ones!
I drove myself home from that sonogram (the boys rode with my husband) and I cried, I cried the whole way home. Crying for the loss of a little girl I now knew I would never have, crying for once again dreaming dreams that would not come true. Then even more so crying, because I realized how utterly selfish I was being, my God....I had just heard the sweetest sound in the world, my baby's heartbeat, and no matter what I LOVED him. I hoped and prayed that he would be healthy, that he would not get the mutated X gene (now a 50% chance he would and I was already 2 for 2).
February 1st, 2008 after being in labor most of the day without even realizing it ( guess what? labor isn't the same every time) my baby was born a short 3 hours after arriving at the center. Since he was my third (and final) baby, I went the completely natural route and had him at the birthing center with my mid-wife and mid-wife in training. My husband helped deliver him and my mother was there, (my biggest cheerleader in the delivery room).
He was perfect, in every way.
We brought him home to meet his brothers, aunts, and Pa a mere 4 hours after coming into this world. He is ornery, he is silly, he is smart, he is caring, and he will forever be my baby BOY!
Even though he is our third child, we learn new things from him all the time. Raising a "typical" child is a lot different than we are used to. School is different, friends are different, sports are different, activities are different, conversations are different. He is everything I never knew I wanted, God knew what he was doing, he knew what I needed.
"There has never been, nor will there ever be, anything quite so special as the love between a mother and a son" - Author unknown
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