Lonely Secrets

"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets" ~ Paul Tournier

This is a hard one to write.....but after the 2 speeches at the Oscars last night that struck a chord with me, I feel like I really need to write it. I am not looking for sympathy, or validation. I am simply hoping that by sharing my story people can understand the reality behind depression, as I truly feel like it is a disease that you can not possibly understand unless you have experienced it. The best you can do is to empathize, and really everyone should.
It always amazes me the question that the doctor asks (I guess to see if you are depressed)......"Have you thought of hurting yourself?" Easy answer NO.... because it goes much deeper than that. Have I thought that I am a total failure? YES. Have I thought I will never be good enough or do enough? YES. Have I thought people in my life would be better off without me? YES. Have I thought I will not make it through the day? YES. Have I thought I am not worthy of love, complements or praise? YES. But have I thought of hurting myself?.....NO.
I have struggled with Anxiety/Depression for most of my life without even realizing it, I thought my thoughts and antics were totally normal, because they were my normal. Looking back, I can see that I have obviously had issues with anxiety/depression since adolescents. I spent many years looking for acceptance, love and a way to feel better, in all the WRONG places.  I'm sure most people would try to blame all of this on their circumstances, their family or their surroundings....I do not. I also do not try to excuse my actions or behaviors, I had a rough time because I didn't love myself, I didn't even like myself and I thought that was totally "normal". The lows always got lower though and it wasn't until an extremely low point after my youngest child was born that I actually saw my issues for what they were, sought help, and started on this journey of learning about my mental health.
This journey has taught me many things, it has given me the ability to look at things differently, to see the other side, to see the logic. I used to view things solely in a "self-centered" state of mind. I also realize how hard it was (and is) to be my friend, and I am thankful for the few who stood beside me through it all. Now, for the most part, I am beyond that.
For me anxiety and depression go hand and hand, if I am not anxious then it is more than likely because I have gone into the numb state of depression.The numb state is what is scary, the numb state is where I cease to have feelings, or dreams or hope. It's a very difficult, very fine line to walk. Where your logic is constantly battling with your emotions. I am thankful everyday for having the logic to realize what was happening and call my doctor when the bad emotions got worse. I am thankful for the people who know me, truly know me, and love me despite my flaws. And quite honestly I am thankful for the people who don't. When you walk this line that I and many others walk, you have very little room for negativity. It is emotionally draining at best. It is hard to realize that people you once considered friends or even family are actually toxic to your mental well being, it is extremely painful to realize. But, it is absolutely necessary, for me I am my own worst enemy....... I have poor self-esteem, I say terrible things to myself in my own head, I am hard on myself, I set unrealistic expectations for myself, there is very little room for the added pressure of toxic relationships and negative people.
There is no cure......but there is treatment, and it may take a while to find what works for you (big surprise we aren't all wired the same). For me, I have some amazing people in my life in addition to them I have found prayer, meditation, essential oils and medication help to keep me balanced. This doesn't mean I don't have lows, I certainly do. People close to me will know when that happens because I withdraw, forget things, and shut-down. I have found if I keep busy and focused, it is much harder to be distracted by my own self-hate. Thankfully, I have a lot to keep me busy......
I hope that most people will never experience the gamete of emotions that are involved in depression/anxiety. I think it is hard to understand because people don't "talk about it out loud", for most people to think about depression means someone is sad, in a rut, feeling sorry for themselves, having a pity party. When that is really very far from the truth...Depression is dark and dangerous, it attacks your mind, plays with your emotion, makes you honestly believe things that are never true. If we don't talk about it, the only option is to hide it away like a deep dark secret, and that is obviously not doing anyone any favors.
"Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer" ~ Dorothy Rowe