Go your own way.......

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" ~ Neale Donald Walsch

There are many times in my sons 17 years of life that I have stood in utter awe of him. Things I have watched him do, and the pride just swells up inside. Many things, that I know I could not or would not have done. Things I think might break my heart, but he just triumphs, stands tall and moves forward with a confidence I can only aspire to have.
I have said before, that he has many "friends", the thing is..... his friends are much different than mine were, sometimes I just can't wrap my brain around it.

When I was in high school I went no where by myself. I would have never had the courage to walk into a football game, a basketball game, an assembly or a dance alone.....I just wouldn't. Very rarely did I even walk into the school or to class by myself. My friends were with me ALL the time, which I completely adore them for. I wasn't strong enough....I wasn't as strong as him, that much is for sure. I'm still not. As an adult I rarely go places where there will be a large group of people totally by myself.
But, he does...he so badly wants to be a part of things, he so desperately would LOVE for someone to invite him along, but they rarely do and he seems "ok" with that. I can hear the catch in his voice when he knows all his friends are going to something together or going out after a dance, and no one has invited him. But, he doesn't let it change him, he doesn't let it effect his attitude, he doesn't let it erase his smile.

" It takes nothing to join the crowd, it takes everything to stand alone" ~ Annonymous

He goes to all the sporting events he can manage to go to, he drives himself, he goes alone. He was invited to two school dances by friends (which caused so much joy and a smile that could melt your heart), but has gone to many, many more alone. Last night he was picking his clothes for the Winter Formal, I asked who he's going with..his answer "myself". My heart broke a little, but at the same time I'm just so proud of him...he didn't say I'll just go alone, or no one will go with me, he said he is going with himself......... and he was fine with that, he's always been "fine" with that.
It's ME who has the issue, it's ME that feels bad for him, it's ME that wishes people would invite him, it's ME that wants him to be included, it's all ME.

Don't get me wrong, like I said....I hear the catch in his voice, or see the sadness flash across his eyes, I hear the pride in his heart when someone does invite him. But he marches on, he goes alone, he wants to be a part of it all and so he makes it happen.
Prom is coming up, it will be his first year to go. It makes me sick to my stomach.....it makes me want to call every high school girl I know and find a date for him so he never has to deal with rejection, or call all of his "friends" and see if they have a group going, but I won't. I will let him figure it out, and pray to God it doesn't break him down. I can't imagine him without his big heart, or his smile, or his trusting and loving nature. So many times I see him in situations that would have completely BROKEN me, and yet....he perseveres, he marches on.
I know he has some amazing friends, and I know he is an amazing person.....I know he is one of the strongest people I know, and I know that I am proud of him EVERY single day. I just hope that society, the world, and expectations don't ever take away from all that he is and will be.

"What lies before us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us." ~ Henry David Thoreau

Calm in the Chaos

"Our Anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it." - Kahlil Gibran

Honestly, I have always been a "type A" kind of person. I pride myself on being pretty organized. I am a list maker, a chart maker, I have folders out the wazoo, I even have a color coded schedule/calendar. Lately though, I'm not sure what is going on!
I just realized yesterday, yes YESTERDAY that I haven't made ANY plans for my child's birthday. It is ONE WEEK away. Seriously, I planned his parties TODAY! Typically this would have been well thought out, planned to the T. I would have sent invitations, I would have a theme, decorations and everything would be ready to go, I'm slipping! So, I have come up with 5 possible causes for my total chaos.

"It's all about finding the calm in the chaos" - Donna Karan

1. Age.......I mean, I am getting older, I just had a birthday. I forget things! I've not hit the big 40 yet, but lets face it I feel every bit of my age. I can see the gray hairs sneaking in, I see the lines getting more defined on my face. I am exhausted, like really exhausted.
2. Anxiety is finally under control......so, maybe this is it. After years and years of having anxiety (and not even realizing it) I have finally started being more proactive in my mental health. I have medication to help, I also use essential oils, meditation and prayer. I have less of a reason to need to control everything, because for once I realize..... I don't, and it is all going to be ok!
3. Too much going on...... this is a strong contender! I mean seriously, it is hard to find an open night around here! My own schedule is pretty crazy with my job, my blog, my parents' group, deciding to get involved in local politics, band practice, performances, and trying to keep everything from going to heck at home. On top of that, I have my husband, and his work schedule, he is also pretty active in the boys' extra activities, so he has coaching and cub scouts. My soon to be 18 year old son with his school, home work, job and sports (player and/or spectator). My 14 year old son with his school, home work, and clubs. My soon to be 8 year old, with his crazy schedule of school, homework, cub scouts, football, soccer, and baseball. Let's just say....we are lucky to find more than one night a week that we can have dinner together! 
4. The person I spend the most time with outside of my family is a total "free-spirit", yes this is true. She may very well be rubbing off on me. She has taught me though that freaking out about everything only stresses me out MORE, and that doesn't do anyone any good.
5. I live in a house FULL of boys.....well, like I mentioned above, my boys are pretty busy. When they are at home they are STILL busy doing SOMETHING. Besides that, it seems they like to think they live with a full time maid who will gladly pick up their dishes, their clothes, their coats, their back packs. For the record (I rarely pick up after them, they are responsible for their own things), but I do have to tell them if I HAVE to pick it up, it's going to The Mission or the trash.

Whatever the reason may be, I have been a mess lately!  I haven't actually written on my "color coded" calendar since January 5th, when I filled it out (about a week late). I can not even tell you the last time I made a list (except for grocery lists ~ I haven't TOTALLY lost it).

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be" - Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

One of the Schlodder girls.........

Photo by Susan Rollins Photography

"If you don't understand how a woman can love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child." ~ Linda Sunshine

Since the age of 6, I have been known to most people in my hometown as "one of the Schlodder girls". I used to be irritated by that...my name is Christina, I am my own person, I am not just part of a whole known as "the Schlodder girls". As an adult though I see things from a different prospective, I am my own person, but the three of us together are "the Schlodder girls", and we each add our own unique personality to that mix.

"How the hell do you sum up your sister in three minutes? She's your twin and your polar opposite. She's your constant companion and your competition. She's your best friend and the biggest bitch in the world. She's everything you wish you could be and everything you wish you weren't" 
~ M. Molly Backes

I am the oldest of 3 girls, I was the first to do most things, I was stubborn, I was rebellious, I broke most of the rules before my parents could even think to make them. I did well in school without trying, I played sports (but was never exceptionally good at any), I quit all sports and started a part-time job at age 14. As an adult I had a past principal describe me to my husband as "the biggest under achiever" he said I always had much more potential than I gave myself credit for, I did great things with little effort, had I ever really tried I could have accomplished amazing things, he was right. I paved the way for my sisters, in some ways I might have made life a little harder on them, but in other ways I am sure I made it easier.There was no way they were ever going to break as many rules as me, and of course they didn't. I guess I showed them how NOT to do things.....and I'm okay with that role.

My younger sister....oh boy, she is headstrong, she is blunt, she is an over achiever, if she can't perfect something she more than likely will not do it. She comes off as incredibly tough, but the truth is....she has a heart the size of the ocean, she gets hurt easily, she takes everything you say to heart. She is her own harshest critic, she was the super athlete, the best at everything she did.

My youngest sister, well she has always just been the youngest. Trying to find her way out of the trenches. She was spoiled beyond belief, growing up she only had to turn on those tears and tell our parents how mean we were and voila....., she had all of the best "stuff". She always had 2 older sisters to look out for her, but that also means she had us to boss her around. We could get her to do just about anything we asked her to do. She was the one who did everything she was "supposed" to.

"She is your heart, she is your partner in crime, she is your witness who sees you at your best and worst, she is your mirror, you are the best example for her, she's your little sister." 
~ unknown

My mom and dad both worked, so from about age 10-11, I was in charge, I would make lists and chore charts, I was so good at being the boss of everyone, micro managing....  I guess I was preparing for life without even knowing it. I drove them to school, I picked them up from school. My youngest sister had to be with me and my friends probably more than she could have ever wanted to be, but she has some pretty awesome stories from those times (I've heard her tell them). Oh and our fights.....we would have EPIC fights. The thing with 3 sisters is, one person can easily get ganged up on and usually does. It wasn't all fighting growing up, we had good times, we had some great times.....

As adults I feel a great respect for each of my sisters, I am very proud of both of them. My younger sister has achieved amazing things. She graduated college in 2 1/2 years (which still amazes me), she has a great job (with a Company I won't mention), she not only has a house.....she built her own home before the age of 30. She is strong, she is independent, she is one of the funnest/craziest people I know. She is an amazing Aunt to all of the kids. My youngest sister has also done great things. First and foremost she has 2 amazing kids, and she is a great mom. She also got her nursing degree and has now just accepted the Director of Nursing position at her local hospital, she's pretty special, she's pretty important...she is a Big deal. She is much more reserved and "proper" than us older two, but don't let that fool you, she is just as crazy as us!
I can't imagine life without my 2 sisters. We have a fun time, we keep each other young, we keep each other's childhood memories relevant. We advise, even when not asked...we laugh, we cry. We can just be, I think when we three are together we can each truly be ourselves.  Our journey to adulthood has not been without bumps, but we have grown to respect each other both as individuals and as the "whole" we make when we're together. As much as we may not like to admit it, we are each strong women, but we are much stronger together. And so now I take great pride in being referred to as "one of the Schlodder girls", that phrase would mean something entirely different without one of us, because I am and always will be one part of that whole.

"So here's to my sister. Remember everyday. No matter what I've said, here's what I want to say. I will always love you, be with you till the end, when no one else is around, I will always be your friend" ~ unknown