"I don't know, how I survived. In this cold and empty world for all my life. I only know, that I'm alive,
because you love me. When I recall what I've been through, there's some things that I wish I didn't do, but now I do the things I do, because you love me." - Jo Dee Messina (Because you loved me)
On my 18th birthday, I saw my husband for the first time. I told my friends I would marry him one day, they laughed, I didn't know his name and I know it sounds really corny (and hard to believe), but I knew somewhere deep in my soul that he and I belonged together. I have wondered, if given the chance to do it all again, knowing all the pain ahead if I would.........
Our road to marriage was very long, windy and bumpy....sometimes unsafe to travel. When we finally met (it was 4 months later) I had just graduated from high school, I was 18, he was 20 and we were both still trying to figure out life, growing up....and mostly doing a really bad job at it. We were on again off again, we were absolutely toxic for each other.....and in the middle of it all we had a baby and were trying to raise him, doing mostly a really bad job. We had no idea what we were doing, no idea how to be parents, no idea how to put someone else ahead of ourselves. We also had no idea how to communicate....we were kids, with a "you hurt me, I hurt you" kind of mentality. The bad was really bad, our choices were even worse, and it didn't get better (seriously...there was enough drama to create an entire Lifetime movie mini series). This exhausting and painful cycle went on for almost 2 years, then we called it quits.
(You know that's not the end......right?)
A few weeks after Rhein turned 1, I got a phone call.....and a huge "offer". Jason was in California, 29 Palms (the desert) and he was going to stay there, he wanted us (Rhein and me) to come out there, start over, try again. I was SO desperate to make this work, but very cautious. The last 4 months apart had been heartache and torture, but I had learned a little, and there would be rules. Get a job, get a house....then we will come. The next day he called and had found both, so we were moving 1400 miles away from the only place I had ever called home. We would start over. I was terrified, my family and friends were even more terrified for us. There was a lot of anger directed at us leaving, many people thought I had totally lost my mind, and I think some people thought they would never see me or my baby again.
"I've told a million lies, but now I tell a single truth, there's you in everything I do. Now, remember when I told you that's the last you'd see of me. Remember when I broke you down to tears. I know I took the path that you would never want for me, I gave you hell through all the years"
~ Imagine Dragons (I bet my life)
Like I said before, we consistently made bad choices when we were together. I feel like California was our 40 days in the wilderness, our fork in the road........we could have chose to walk further into hell (I feel like we were there a lot of the time) or we could choose better, choose light, choose good......I know during that time there was a lot of prayers coming our way, prayers that we would make good choices, be better people, grow up, and of course be good parents, and probably prayers that we would turn to God, we did. In hindsight, moving to California was the best thing we could have ever done for ourselves. It was rough at times, it was certainly not easy. We were in a new place, we had only ourselves to depend on, and we had a baby to take care of. Sure, we still made some bad choices, but we figured it out, learned from each experience. We grew up. We also missed our families back home like crazy. So, one day, we just decided.....we were ready, we would go home. We packed up everything we owned into our car and drove the whole way back to Kansas. We stayed for a few weeks, but eventually ended up living in Iowa, a mid point for both our families, we still had some growing and learning to do.
"I'm coming home, I'm coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home. LEt the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday, I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes, I'm coming home, I'm coming home. Tell the world.....I'm coming home" Skylar Grey (I'm Coming Home)
Christmas Eve, 1999 after 2 1/2 years of this crazy relationship, Jason asked me to marry him, and I said yes, a million times yes. We have often joked about having gone through most everything that splits a couple up even before we were engaged, but it's true....we did, and we came out together.
So, we moved back to my home town in the spring and the wedding planning was under way. Fast forward to that day......
First off, Jason forgot to pick Rhein up to take him to the tuxedo fitting with him and all the groomsmen. So, my mom was trying to decorate the wedding and reception with my small cousin and my child (who also happened to not have a change of clothes with him). We found some clothes for him, but I was busy trying to do all my own preparations, so he had to stay and "help" decorate. Jason got back to town, had to go three different places to find Rhein and then back home (where all the groomsmen, and ushers were getting ready). They had to get Rhein ready too. It was approximately 120 degrees outside with the heat index (maybe a tad less, but it felt REALLY hot in my big ole dress and I'm sure the men in tuxedos were as uncomfortable as possible). My mom was late, (remember she was slowed down with my child earlier in the day) so flowers were delivered without her being there. I got dressed before she got there. We started pictures before she got there! Oh yes, I didn't mention that while getting ready for the rehearsal dinner my dad, my mom and my soon to be husband all got into some poison ivy...and so, they were mostly covered, itching, and on strong medication. Now....I can see where most people would be nervous, or think these are all possible signs to call it off....but we are far from normal. I had some pretty awesome bridesmaids that helped keep me calm (a huge task, if you know me well), plus an incredibly handsome groom waiting, one that I knew would walk beside me through ANYTHING life threw our way.
"I guess the time was right for us to say, we'll take our time and live our lives together day by day. We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer, we know our dreams will all come true with love that we
can share. With you I 'll never wonder, will you be there for me? With you I'll never wonder, you're the right one for me? I finally found the love of a lifetime, the love to last my whole life though, I finally found the love of a lifetime, forever in my heart, I finally found the love of a lifetime." - Firehouse (Love of a Lifetime)
Jason and I watch our wedding video every year on our Anniversary, it's a tradition we started and I'm so glad we did. You know on that video, you don't see any of the problems or "glitches". It appears to be a nice breezy day. Sure, you see a 2 1/2 year old ring bearer throw his pillow down, and walk across the back of my dress....but mostly you see two people (REALLY YOUNG people) surrounded by their friends and family, people who knew all that we had been through, who had watched our journey unfold, people who knew we had faced our demons, people who supported us and loved us enough to show up that day (regardless of the inferno heat). That's the way life usually goes though. Everyone has a back story, everyone has trials (not the same trials, but trials all the same) they have faced, everyone has had to learn and grow and become who they were always meant to be. Usually no one sees those parts though, they are hidden, they are what makes us who we are.
Fifteen years....sometimes it seems like a lifetime. Sometimes I can't even remember life without my husband. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday we were walking down that aisle runner as husband and wife. My husband is my rock, he has seen me at my very worst, he has held me up and sometimes held me together as I crumble around him. Our life isn't perfect, we still have our ups and downs....But, back to my earlier question......if I could go back and do it all again, knowing the pain that lay ahead, would I? My answer is yes, every single time yes. Nothing in life worth having is easy....and my husband, my marriage, my family, my life, my journey.....they are all worth every bit of it.
"I'm strong because I know my weaknesses, I'm wise because I've been foolish. I laugh because I've known sadness" ~ Ziad Abdelnour
Happy Anniversary......"Where you go, I will go and where you stay, I will stay"
Knowing the two of you now, I would never have imagined this as your beginning. The Ziad Abdelnour quote is so perfect for your story.....(and could be used to describe most FX moms that we know!). You and Jason are rock'n your 15 years of marriage and I can't wait to read about the next 15! 💜
ReplyDelete