Not broken......

"Tattoos are the stories in your heart, written on your skin." - Charles De Lint

I have 5 tattoos total, my newest one I got just yesterday. For me, each of my tattoos means something to me, something I accomplished or overcame, something that left a mark or helped to make me who I am, and so I honored that mark by making it permanent. I know people have mixed feelings on tattoos, my mother is not a huge fan. But, I am going to take a minute to explain mine to you, to try to explain.....what they mean to me.
I got my first tattoo when I was 15, yes, I was an extremely rebellious child ~ usually if my parents asked me NOT to do something, it just went without saying.....I did it. I broke rules and curfew, I caused them many endless nights of worry. I thought they were trying to hold me back, trying to make sure I never had any fun at all. In hindsight of course, they were right........there are many things I wish I had done differently, I certainly never regret my choices or the consequences that went with them (they all had a part of making me who I am, the good and the bad) but if I could go back and do it all again, but NOT cause my parents so much heartache....I would, because I know I hurt them during those years. The tattoo I got was a cross, right below my waist.......I have had 3 children since then and it is not pretty, at all. It has been stretched and re-stretched so that it no longer even resembles a cross, (for that reason there will be no photo of it) but I know what it is, and it reminds me that I certainly DO NOT know everything.
My next tattoo I got at the ripe age of 18, when I graduated from high school ~ because well, I graduated, I was starting a new chapter. It is on my ankle, I intended to eventually have the vines encircle my ankle after further education, the course of my life changed though, and so it has stopped at just the one side, no encircling and I'm ok with that, that tattoo reminds me that my plans are not always God's plans.

At the age of 19, the best thing in the world happened to me, I became a mom for the first time. I was in labor for 14 1/2 hours and had 2 doses of pain medicine the whole time, Rhein Andrew was born at 7lbs 12 oz, and my life was changed forever. For a little while it was just he and I against the world. I had no idea what I was doing, and it took me a while to figure out, but one thing I knew for certain was this baby was mine, and I would do anything in the world for him. I sang to him during my entire pregnancy, I knew his name almost the moment I knew he was a boy and I adapted "you are my sunshine" to be "You are my raindrop" (he will hate that I'm sharing that). So, about 6 weeks after he was born, I got my raindrop tattoo. To me that tattoo is not just a raindrop, but also a tear drop. Being that young and pregnant was one of the most difficult times in my life, I had friends and my family to lean on, but it was the first time I felt truly alone and scared. But, I made it....we made it, Rhein and I, and though there were tears along the way, the "rain drop" is and will always be my silver lining, my reminder that nothing worth having is easy.

I then took a hiatus from tattoos I guess...because my next tattoo was shortly after Rhevl was born (some 10 years later), it is my "sisters" tattoo and was also my most painful. I have two sisters, we wanted to find something that would be meaningful to all 3 of us, and I believe we accomplished that. My middle sister drew our design, we decided on a Celtic triskel (it stands for the three goddesses) and an old German S right in the center (our maiden name is 100% German and starts with an S). We didn't put any placement or color stipulations on the tattoo, except no matter what colors we chose the old German S would have to be in "blue jean blue" to honor our wonderful Gramps, who wore blue jean overalls almost every day of his life. My tattoo is on my foot, my middle sister got hers on her back and my youngest sister also got hers on her foot. That tattoo reminds me that family is forever, and sometimes it hurts like hell....but we are stronger together than we will ever be apart.

Which brings me to my latest tattoo.....less physical pain was endured while it was actually being put onto my skin, but the emotional pain it took to get there was 11 years in the making. Eleven years ago my my two oldest children were diagnosed with Fragile X Syndrome, I am a carrier of Fragile X Syndrome. I lived in denial for MANY years, you know the big thing that no one wants to talk about, the elephant in the room. I have watched my children struggle with things that come simply to "typical" kids, I have watched them struggle to fit in, I have watched them make progress and then regress, I have seen the look of defeat in their eyes. But, I have also seen them fight, seen them rise above, seen them give 110%, and seen them filled with joy.  As I slowly came to terms with the fact that Fragile X will affect their lives FOREVER, I also had to realize that it will also affect mine (being a carrier comes with it's own set of issues). I stumbled across some jewelry made by a fellow fragile x mom (we have a pretty great on-line community) it was a chalk drawing she made that said "Fragile......not broken", it struck a chord with me. Those three words sum it all up rather perfectly, Fragile, we know that, it's right in the name ~ Fragile X. But, not broken.....we can take on a lot and I'm sure people can think of many words to describe me, but broken is not one, I can guarantee you that......never broken. So, I talked to my tattoo artist, explained Fragile X and all that encompasses, explained to her the infinity symbol is very important to me and all my kids, my youngest (who does not have Fragile X) still says  "I love you infinity" every night at bed time. I wasn't sure if it was possible to somehow incorporate the X into the infinity, but she certainly did. And then of course the wording, and the big debate when you are tattooing your wrist/forearm, should the words face you, or the world. So, I opted for both......to the world, it is just simply fragile X, but to me it is a reminder that I am "not broken", and I will not/ can not ever give up the good fight for awareness and treatment for my boys and my family. It couldn't have turned out more perfectly.

"The tattoo is the mark of the soul, it can act as a window we can see in or it can be our shield to protect us from those that can't see past the surface." ~ Unknown