I choose to be me......

"Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?" ~ K.W.

We live in a world where you can really be anyone you want to be online, you can literally present the picture of perfection and hope that people buy it. You can photo shop, you can fib, you can warp reality all you want. People get so angry at the media, because we are teaching little girls and boys that they MUST be perfect to be beautiful, no one wants to hold that mirror up and see that they are also guilty, that it isn't just the media....

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not" ~ Kurt Cobain

Hi.....my name is Christina, I weigh more than the chart at the doctor's office says I should, I don't enjoy working out (so I rarely do), I do enjoy food (mostly fattening food) and chocolate, I also enjoy wine and Bud Light, I started smoking when I was 15 (and probably won't stop anytime soon), I got pregnant 2 weeks after I graduated high school, I have messed up, I have made HUGE mistakes, I lived in a state of denial about my children's abilities for years, I hate dusting, I swear (alot), I fight with my sisters, I yell at my husband, I slam the door, I have extreme anxiety (and take medication to control it), I am sarcastic, I have bouts of depression, I over share my feelings, I can be mean, I am frustrated, I sometimes don't do housework for an entire week, I am exhausted.  And that's me (most of the bad anyway) ....take it or leave it, better or worse.
See, I grew up (and still live) in a very small town. I learned very early in life, that no matter what you do, there will always be gossip, there will always be people talking behind your back. (Not everyday....I mean, I don't think THAT highly of myself). So, what exactly is the point of pretending? People either like me or they don't.....I can not MAKE someone like me, and if they like the you that you are "presenting" without the scars and warts, then that's just not real, it's not genuine. I feel bad for people who have to keep up that persona. I have had people, very close to me in life, that never acknowledged the bad......and I could just never figure that out.
First, how can you fully appreciate the good without acknowledging the bad? How can I be absolutely amazed by the character of some people, if I've never been disappointed by others? How can I fully appreciate the heights we rise to, If I have never noticed the depths we have fallen to?

"Everyone experiences some good times and some bad times in their life...But sometimes it takes the darkness of a storm to experience the beauty that the sun can leave behind." ~ Karen Kostyla

Secondly.....how will you ever HELP anyone? What exactly is the point of the individual hell's we ALL go through, if we can't at some point help someone else? I've been there, I'm not afraid to tell you (or anyone) I have gotten so low and so deep into a lifestyle full of despair that I sometimes felt I was literally in HELL. But, I made it out...... and what for? If not to somehow help someone else.

"Generally speaking, there are TWO kinds of learning: Experience, which is gained from your own mistakes, and Wisdom, which is learned from the mistakes of others." ~ John Maxwell

So yes, I could easily present a picture of my "perfect" life with my amazing children, and my wonderful husband, my cute dog, my beautiful home and my new car. I could tell you all how much I love being able to be home with my kids, how much I love my hobbies and my amazing friends, how perfect life is here, on the brick streets of Kansas, none of that is a "lie", it just isn't realistic.....it isn't the whole truth.....it's the rainbows and unicorns version.
I feel I have a responsibility to the people I know and care about, to be able to show them that sometimes life sucks.....sometimes people suck, but it is worth it....all of the bad, all of the mistakes, all of the learning curve, all the hard feelings, all the hurt and despair. It's all worth it. Don't embrace the bad, or dwell in it, don't regret and wallow........ but acknowledge it, because that allows the good, the awesome, the amazing parts of life to be that more wonderful and much more appreciated. In this world where it's so easy to be anyone you want to be....I choose to be me, all of me. The good the bad, the amazing things that have contributed to shaping me to who I am today.....and will everyone like that person? No.....but,I assure you, I'm ok with that.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But, if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~ Marilyn Monroe

'My Person'.......what my 'adult' best friend has taught me

"A true friend accepts who you are, but also helps you to become who you should be" - Anonymous

I had to fill out some questionnaires about myself this week, for a study that my son and I have participated in for the past 4 years. The questions were about my anxiety, and how anxious certain situations make me and how often I avoid said situations. The thing is, I have to fill the papers out for how I have felt the last month....half way through the questions, I just start laughing. While the anxiety I feel in certain situations has not changed much, my avoidance definitely has. Where I used to mark, I avoid this OFTEN, I now had to mark SOMETIMES or OCCASIONALLY. This is all because of one person, "my person" which according to urban dictionary means: Someone who is not necessarily your boyfriend or girlfriend but is still your favorite person in the whole world. You would do anything for this person and want to be with them all the time.  

I have been blessed with some amazing friends, but I keep my circle pretty small, my two best friends have been my friends since GRADE SCHOOL, I rarely let people in. When you find your 'adult'  best friend, it is life changing....it seems like there wasn't a time when we weren't friends. Because of her I leave the house at least once a week to do something I like to do....band practice (I sing). She also signs us up for random gigs around town at nursing homes and senior citizens centers, and volunteers us to help at caucuses. She also will call me up and ask me to go watch a band in 2 hours, and amazingly I go! She embodies the art of spontaneity, and she radiates joy and happiness. I'm pretty sure she would qualify as a Type B personality..... I am in awe of her a lot of times, she makes me a much better person.
I want to try new things when I am around her, and she makes me believe I can. There are times that she drives me crazy, seriously CRAZY. But, she has inspired this list, and I hope you enjoy it!

1. Don't take yourself so seriously........ really, no one cares what you are wearing or if you miss a note here or there. They won't remember that! They will remember that you looked like you were having fun!

2. No regrets.......... the dishes will be there tomorrow, so will the laundry. You can't get time back, there are no do-overs, so enjoy every minute.

3. Sometimes planning is over rated........when I plan things, I tend to "over think" them to death and usually talk myself out of even going. When things are last minute, there is no plan and way less stress, you just go. 

4. Life's for the living....... there isn't much you can do if you don't leave your home. There is joy in meeting new people and having new experiences. 

5. Everything will be ok.......So....what's the worst thing that can happen? So, you didn't get a paper turned in, or you were 15 minutes late to something, or you didn't feel like making dinner. What is the absolute worst thing that can happen? You'll get over it, everyone will, and it will be ok.

6. It's not the end of the world.........this really goes along with #5, I mean NOTHING, that's right NOTHING is the end of the world EXCEPT the actual end of the world!

7. Smile......yep, you just look better when you smile, people want to be around happy people.

8. Hakuna Matata, it means "no worries" that's her phrase (and her ringtone on my phone). It's also my constant reminder to breathe and refer to 1-7.

So, everyone with anxiety needs a type B friend. At the beginning you WILL need extra medication, but believe me.....they will rub off a little on you and you will be all the better for it. 

"You have been my friend"  replied Charlotte. "That in itself is a tremendous thing." 
- E.B. White (Charlotte's Web)

My vote is my voice.......

"Voting is the right upon which all other rights depend" ~ Thomas Paine

I don't write political blogs, I just don't. We are all free to have our own personal opinions, and more than likely mine are different than yours, but I respect that. The world would be a pretty boring place if we all agreed on everything. One thing having to do with politics that I will stand on my soap box for is voting, and the importance of it. First a quick history lesson.......

"All persecution is a sign of fear; for if we did not fear the power of an opinion different from our own, we should not mind others holding it." ~ Phyllis Bottome

Our ancestors came to America to get away from religious persecution (that is why, in America, we have freedom of religion). People were persecuted for believing something different than the "mainstream". They were banished, driven out of their homes, tortured and even executed for not believing the same as the majority. America still has freedom of religion, but it becomes slippery slope, when we start fearing what is different or try to make laws to protect one certain religions point of view. The fact is there are 313 different religions and denominations in the United States......whoever you are and whatever you believe, you must be respectful that there are at least 312 other ways to look at something, or believe.

"Poverty is not a lack of character. It is a lack of money. A lack of opportunity. A lack of investment.It is when society turns it's back and makes you invisible." ~ Unknown

They also left England due to economic hardships, to give their children and their children's children a better life...today 35% of Americans rely on public assistance to supplement their household, due to starvation wages. The official number of people living BELOW the poverty line (that is based on household size, a family of 5 who makes less than $28,410, a family of 4 making less than $24,250, 3 family members making less than $20,090, 2 making less than $15,930 or 1 person household bringing home less than $11,770) is 18%. Think about that for one moment, if you are a single mom with 2 kids and you work at a job 40 hours a week, that pays only minimum wage you NEED assistance. That doesn't make you lazy, or a free loader...it means we need higher wages, it means American citizens should be doing everything they can to fight for and demand better. The richest county in the world should not have poverty rates this high, should not have people living on the streets, should not have people terrified of not being able to feed their kids. It is simply NOT ACCEPTABLE, and it is in fact one reason people moved from England to America......a better life.

"Nobody will ever deprive the American people of the right to vote except the American people themselves and the only way they could do this is by not voting." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Another reason to leave England was political oppression and tyranny. There was no democracy in England, there was a King and his court, there was the Royal family. They made all the decisions, there was no vote, there was no "we the people", they were being ruled by the thoughts and desires of a small percentage of the population. Which is why the fore-fathers of the United States fought so hard to separate from England, to become our own County, to be a government "for the people, by the people". I fear they would be disgusted at what has become of our political system, essentially it is becoming what they hated the most. We have a select group of people (Congress) who have no term limits, who spend as much as FIFTY ONE years in office. Who become so out of touch with the people they "represent" that they are no longer truly representing them. We Americans, all 318.9 million of us are "represented by 535 members of the house and senate, 1.67%.

"Bad officials are elected by good people who don't vote" ~ George Jean Nathan

Which brings me to my point.....history lesson over. WHY? Why do we allow people so out of touch with their constitutes to stay in office, why do we allow their votes to be bought by lobbyist, why do we allow the corruption and greed? Simple.....no one thinks their vote matters, no one wants to wait in line at the polls. We have become so complacent as citizens that we are not even utilizing our most important right, our right to have our voices heard, our right to make a difference, our right to VOTE. in 2012, 42.5% of the population of the United States of America DID NOT show up to vote. They just didn't. Recently in my hometown we had a City Primary vote, it had a voter turnout (including early voting) of 11%, ELEVEN PERCENT! We live in a world where people have been tortured, beaten, and even murdered fighting for their right to vote, to be heard.....sadly there are still Countries where people fight every day for that right.....but my fellow Americans, the Fat Cats of the world, the entitled, we take it all for granted........so please go and VOTE.....or, do nothing, but either way, make sure to bitch about it later.

"My vote is my voice.....and the voice of all who struggled, so that I may have my voice." ~ Lyida C. Obasi

It hurts because........I feel it

Why is there so much power in ONE word? I am guilty, I am absolutely guilty of using the "R" word as a teenager. I used it as most people did, in place of  words like........."dumb", "stupid", "crazy", or "ridiculous". I did A LOT of stupid things as a teenager, things that I would never even consider doing as an adult. That doesn't excuse my behavior then, it doesn't make it ok. It does inflict tremendous pain on my heart to know that when I so carelessly used this word, I hurt someone else.

"Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it" ~ Albus Dumbledore 

The first time I became conscious of using the word was when I started working as a caregiver for adults with disabilities. I read their files, I saw the medical term "mentally retarded" written in them. For the first time in my life, I put together the medical term with the "slang" and more common use of the word, my clients at the time could have been called many things, but I would not have used any of the words more commonly associated with the R word to describe them...EVER. And so, I became aware of it, and I tried to stop using it. Life went on after that, and though I had mostly removed the word from my vocabulary, my friends and family had not. I didn't say anything, it was just a word I chose not to use. 

It wasn't until I was sitting in a classroom in a meeting about my 6 year old child, when the psychologist in attendance said they needed to change his label due to his age, so he would not be classified as DD (developmentally delayed) anymore, he would be MR (Mentally Retarded). That moment in time stands still for me. I remember it like it was yesterday, I remember the words echoing in my head, and feeling so many levels of pain at one time. I remember feeling like I could not breath, like suddenly I was drowning, I remember feeling like someone had just stabbed me in the heart.

"The tongue has no bones but it can break a heart" ~ Ed Sheeran

And why do I HATE that word now? Because my child is not  "dumb", "stupid", "crazy", or "ridiculous"........and because, I feel it; I feel it EVERY SINGLE time I hear someone say it, my breath catches and I feel it ALL over again. Every stigma, every hidden meaning, all screaming in my face that my child is whatever they are using the word in place of. I KNOW people don't mean it that way, but that does NOT change what it means to me, or how it makes me feel. I had to start asking people to please not say it, my acquaintances, my friends, my family.....I even went as far once (to a family member) interrupting every time she said it and saying "oh, so you mean it was like my son". I think that night she was furious at me, but she FINALLY understood what I had been trying to tell her, and I am happy to report that since that night several years ago, I've never heard her say the word. 

I have also had people try to defend the use of the word to me, I have written those people off for my own sanity. And so through the years people I care about have just respectfully dropped it from their own vocabularies, because they realize how painful it is. One of the proudest moments of my adult life was at one of my birthday celebrations, we were with a group of friends and family at a comedy club, and the comedian was profusely using the R word, I don't think I even sat there for 10 minutes, before my cousin and I got up and walked out, not even 5 minutes later our entire group joined us and we told the manager why we were leaving. Is that huge? Was it life changing? Did the Comedian decide to stop saying the word? No.....but to me, on my birthday.....it was pretty amazing.

"In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, 

but the silence of our friends" ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

In 2009 "Spread the Word to end the Word" started, I took the pledge then in March of 2009, and I have taken the pledge every year. I have shared the website, I have asked people to think about their word choices. Visit their site, take the pledge, share their videos and graphics. Do your part......help to make people aware of their word choices, aware that some words do have a stigma attached to them, and that quite frankly makes them unacceptable.

Go your own way.......

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" ~ Neale Donald Walsch

There are many times in my sons 17 years of life that I have stood in utter awe of him. Things I have watched him do, and the pride just swells up inside. Many things, that I know I could not or would not have done. Things I think might break my heart, but he just triumphs, stands tall and moves forward with a confidence I can only aspire to have.
I have said before, that he has many "friends", the thing is..... his friends are much different than mine were, sometimes I just can't wrap my brain around it.

When I was in high school I went no where by myself. I would have never had the courage to walk into a football game, a basketball game, an assembly or a dance alone.....I just wouldn't. Very rarely did I even walk into the school or to class by myself. My friends were with me ALL the time, which I completely adore them for. I wasn't strong enough....I wasn't as strong as him, that much is for sure. I'm still not. As an adult I rarely go places where there will be a large group of people totally by myself.
But, he does...he so badly wants to be a part of things, he so desperately would LOVE for someone to invite him along, but they rarely do and he seems "ok" with that. I can hear the catch in his voice when he knows all his friends are going to something together or going out after a dance, and no one has invited him. But, he doesn't let it change him, he doesn't let it effect his attitude, he doesn't let it erase his smile.

" It takes nothing to join the crowd, it takes everything to stand alone" ~ Annonymous

He goes to all the sporting events he can manage to go to, he drives himself, he goes alone. He was invited to two school dances by friends (which caused so much joy and a smile that could melt your heart), but has gone to many, many more alone. Last night he was picking his clothes for the Winter Formal, I asked who he's going with..his answer "myself". My heart broke a little, but at the same time I'm just so proud of him...he didn't say I'll just go alone, or no one will go with me, he said he is going with himself......... and he was fine with that, he's always been "fine" with that.
It's ME who has the issue, it's ME that feels bad for him, it's ME that wishes people would invite him, it's ME that wants him to be included, it's all ME.

Don't get me wrong, like I said....I hear the catch in his voice, or see the sadness flash across his eyes, I hear the pride in his heart when someone does invite him. But he marches on, he goes alone, he wants to be a part of it all and so he makes it happen.
Prom is coming up, it will be his first year to go. It makes me sick to my stomach.....it makes me want to call every high school girl I know and find a date for him so he never has to deal with rejection, or call all of his "friends" and see if they have a group going, but I won't. I will let him figure it out, and pray to God it doesn't break him down. I can't imagine him without his big heart, or his smile, or his trusting and loving nature. So many times I see him in situations that would have completely BROKEN me, and yet....he perseveres, he marches on.
I know he has some amazing friends, and I know he is an amazing person.....I know he is one of the strongest people I know, and I know that I am proud of him EVERY single day. I just hope that society, the world, and expectations don't ever take away from all that he is and will be.

"What lies before us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us." ~ Henry David Thoreau

Calm in the Chaos

"Our Anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it." - Kahlil Gibran

Honestly, I have always been a "type A" kind of person. I pride myself on being pretty organized. I am a list maker, a chart maker, I have folders out the wazoo, I even have a color coded schedule/calendar. Lately though, I'm not sure what is going on!
I just realized yesterday, yes YESTERDAY that I haven't made ANY plans for my child's birthday. It is ONE WEEK away. Seriously, I planned his parties TODAY! Typically this would have been well thought out, planned to the T. I would have sent invitations, I would have a theme, decorations and everything would be ready to go, I'm slipping! So, I have come up with 5 possible causes for my total chaos.

"It's all about finding the calm in the chaos" - Donna Karan

1. Age.......I mean, I am getting older, I just had a birthday. I forget things! I've not hit the big 40 yet, but lets face it I feel every bit of my age. I can see the gray hairs sneaking in, I see the lines getting more defined on my face. I am exhausted, like really exhausted.
2. Anxiety is finally under control......so, maybe this is it. After years and years of having anxiety (and not even realizing it) I have finally started being more proactive in my mental health. I have medication to help, I also use essential oils, meditation and prayer. I have less of a reason to need to control everything, because for once I realize..... I don't, and it is all going to be ok!
3. Too much going on...... this is a strong contender! I mean seriously, it is hard to find an open night around here! My own schedule is pretty crazy with my job, my blog, my parents' group, deciding to get involved in local politics, band practice, performances, and trying to keep everything from going to heck at home. On top of that, I have my husband, and his work schedule, he is also pretty active in the boys' extra activities, so he has coaching and cub scouts. My soon to be 18 year old son with his school, home work, job and sports (player and/or spectator). My 14 year old son with his school, home work, and clubs. My soon to be 8 year old, with his crazy schedule of school, homework, cub scouts, football, soccer, and baseball. Let's just say....we are lucky to find more than one night a week that we can have dinner together! 
4. The person I spend the most time with outside of my family is a total "free-spirit", yes this is true. She may very well be rubbing off on me. She has taught me though that freaking out about everything only stresses me out MORE, and that doesn't do anyone any good.
5. I live in a house FULL of boys.....well, like I mentioned above, my boys are pretty busy. When they are at home they are STILL busy doing SOMETHING. Besides that, it seems they like to think they live with a full time maid who will gladly pick up their dishes, their clothes, their coats, their back packs. For the record (I rarely pick up after them, they are responsible for their own things), but I do have to tell them if I HAVE to pick it up, it's going to The Mission or the trash.

Whatever the reason may be, I have been a mess lately!  I haven't actually written on my "color coded" calendar since January 5th, when I filled it out (about a week late). I can not even tell you the last time I made a list (except for grocery lists ~ I haven't TOTALLY lost it).

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be" - Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

One of the Schlodder girls.........

Photo by Susan Rollins Photography

"If you don't understand how a woman can love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child." ~ Linda Sunshine

Since the age of 6, I have been known to most people in my hometown as "one of the Schlodder girls". I used to be irritated by that...my name is Christina, I am my own person, I am not just part of a whole known as "the Schlodder girls". As an adult though I see things from a different prospective, I am my own person, but the three of us together are "the Schlodder girls", and we each add our own unique personality to that mix.

"How the hell do you sum up your sister in three minutes? She's your twin and your polar opposite. She's your constant companion and your competition. She's your best friend and the biggest bitch in the world. She's everything you wish you could be and everything you wish you weren't" 
~ M. Molly Backes

I am the oldest of 3 girls, I was the first to do most things, I was stubborn, I was rebellious, I broke most of the rules before my parents could even think to make them. I did well in school without trying, I played sports (but was never exceptionally good at any), I quit all sports and started a part-time job at age 14. As an adult I had a past principal describe me to my husband as "the biggest under achiever" he said I always had much more potential than I gave myself credit for, I did great things with little effort, had I ever really tried I could have accomplished amazing things, he was right. I paved the way for my sisters, in some ways I might have made life a little harder on them, but in other ways I am sure I made it easier.There was no way they were ever going to break as many rules as me, and of course they didn't. I guess I showed them how NOT to do things.....and I'm okay with that role.

My younger sister....oh boy, she is headstrong, she is blunt, she is an over achiever, if she can't perfect something she more than likely will not do it. She comes off as incredibly tough, but the truth is....she has a heart the size of the ocean, she gets hurt easily, she takes everything you say to heart. She is her own harshest critic, she was the super athlete, the best at everything she did.

My youngest sister, well she has always just been the youngest. Trying to find her way out of the trenches. She was spoiled beyond belief, growing up she only had to turn on those tears and tell our parents how mean we were and voila....., she had all of the best "stuff". She always had 2 older sisters to look out for her, but that also means she had us to boss her around. We could get her to do just about anything we asked her to do. She was the one who did everything she was "supposed" to.

"She is your heart, she is your partner in crime, she is your witness who sees you at your best and worst, she is your mirror, you are the best example for her, she's your little sister." 
~ unknown

My mom and dad both worked, so from about age 10-11, I was in charge, I would make lists and chore charts, I was so good at being the boss of everyone, micro managing....  I guess I was preparing for life without even knowing it. I drove them to school, I picked them up from school. My youngest sister had to be with me and my friends probably more than she could have ever wanted to be, but she has some pretty awesome stories from those times (I've heard her tell them). Oh and our fights.....we would have EPIC fights. The thing with 3 sisters is, one person can easily get ganged up on and usually does. It wasn't all fighting growing up, we had good times, we had some great times.....

As adults I feel a great respect for each of my sisters, I am very proud of both of them. My younger sister has achieved amazing things. She graduated college in 2 1/2 years (which still amazes me), she has a great job (with a Company I won't mention), she not only has a house.....she built her own home before the age of 30. She is strong, she is independent, she is one of the funnest/craziest people I know. She is an amazing Aunt to all of the kids. My youngest sister has also done great things. First and foremost she has 2 amazing kids, and she is a great mom. She also got her nursing degree and has now just accepted the Director of Nursing position at her local hospital, she's pretty special, she's pretty important...she is a Big deal. She is much more reserved and "proper" than us older two, but don't let that fool you, she is just as crazy as us!
I can't imagine life without my 2 sisters. We have a fun time, we keep each other young, we keep each other's childhood memories relevant. We advise, even when not asked...we laugh, we cry. We can just be, I think when we three are together we can each truly be ourselves.  Our journey to adulthood has not been without bumps, but we have grown to respect each other both as individuals and as the "whole" we make when we're together. As much as we may not like to admit it, we are each strong women, but we are much stronger together. And so now I take great pride in being referred to as "one of the Schlodder girls", that phrase would mean something entirely different without one of us, because I am and always will be one part of that whole.

"So here's to my sister. Remember everyday. No matter what I've said, here's what I want to say. I will always love you, be with you till the end, when no one else is around, I will always be your friend" ~ unknown