I Am an Ally.......

I saw an ad in my local paper yesterday, a FULL PAGE ad, that made my blood boil and broke my heart all at the same time. That is what prompted this blog, I will not be able to stop thinking about it until it is written. It is so disturbing to me that I hate to even post it on here, but I really must if I am going to explain my thoughts on it.

Ad that ran in local paper this week.....

My opinion is not always the popular opinion, but it is mine. I totally understand the idea behind the law, people want to protect themselves from not having to bake a cake for a wedding they do not approve of, or be forced to take photos at an event they do not religiously or morally agree with. I get it. I do. Here's the thing.......hang up a sign that says "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, for ANY reason." That's it.....done, you are off the hook.
When you try to make something like this  a "law" it can easily get twisted and turned around and made to be something that was not intended, it could easily become a license to discriminate against ANY group of people, and that is why people oppose the law, it promotes hate. If you are going to discriminate against gay people and their right to marry (as well as anyone that supports them), then why stop there? You don't want to be a hypocrite after all.....Have people fill out a questionnaire before you will do business with or associate with them, add to your very closed minded law that you will also not do business with anyone who has committed adultery (which would also include a divorcee or anyone who engaged in pre-marital relations). People are people, not angels, just people and none are without sin....you can certainly believe what you want, you can discriminate against and condemn who you want, but if you aren't going to follow ALL the rules, and you are just picking and choosing the ones that fit your agenda, then PLEASE stop doing it in the name of Christianity....please do not use the bible, or scripture or the name of Christianity to fuel your hate group.
I have grown up approximately 30 minutes from the Westboro Baptsist church, and the hate that it spews.....that has been enough to shake my beliefs to the core at times. Because, I am also a Christian, one with deep rooted beliefs in the words of the Gospel, but here's the kicker....I also have a DEEP respect for human life and other people's beliefs in general. It took me a while to come to peace with that.....but, finally I realized....... my God is NOT the God they speak of, he does not hate people, or condemn entire schools, towns, cities and countries. My God is a kind and loving God a forgiving God, a God that LOVED humanity so much that he sent his son to DIE for us. I have waged a war inside of myself with the entire institution of organized religion, just for this reason....hypocrisy. That's right....guess what, nobody is perfect (certainly not me), that is the WHOLE premise behind being a Christian.............if people (anyone) were perfect there would have been no need to send his son.
I understand coming from a small community how hard it is to realize that the world is much bigger than ourselves, much bigger than this community, much bigger than our country. By the way, our country was started with people trying to start over in a place that allowed religious freedom, and there are MANY religions represented through out the world, other than Christianity.
That is what hurts me.....in a time where the world is falling a part and people are looking for any reason to persecute and hate Christians, you added fuel to the fire. Condemning people who are different from you is what has caused mass hate and religious wars, it is what the Nazi's did, and the Taliban still does, the KKK and the countless other numbers of hate groups that have beliefs or practices that attack or spitefully criticize an entire class of people. More importantly a small group of people can taint the entire group, and I really don't want a small closed minded set of people to sway people's opinions of Christianity the way the Taliban caused people to view the Islamic faith.
I wonder if you realize the damage that one full page ad in a local paper can do. I wonder if you understand the difficulties that people in the gay community and their loved ones face. I wonder if you realize just how hateful you sound, or how many teenagers have taken their lives because of ads like yours, or condemnation like yours....from their churches, and sometimes their own families. I wonder if you can see past your own self-righteousness to see the harm this can cause peoples' spirits. I wonder if you realize how many people saw your ad, and decided that Christianity is not for them.
I had a long talk with a friend last night, about the unfairness of the world and why we care so much. I believe it is because I have been down.....way down. I have had the "crowd" against me, I have been gossiped about and lied about. People have formed opinions about me based on absolutely no facts. I have struggled, not as much as some, but I know what struggle is and therefore I am compassionate, I root for the underdogs.....I root for people to have the ability to be their "true selves"(without discrimination)......that's it, take it or leave it this is who I am.
Now, I just have a plea to people......please do not base your opinions on ANY religion off of the rantings and ravings (yes, even mine) of one person or one small group. Use your own brain, read your own books, make your own decisions, and whatever you believe........believe it with your whole being. I have an amazing, accepting and supportive church family, ALL are welcome at the First Christian Church I attend. I will not be swayed, my beliefs will not falter, I will stand up for equal rights for ALL people....(even tax collectors and prostitutes) because I believe the lessons I have learned, the "words in red", and the hymns I sing, with my whole heart, "They will know we are Christians by our love".

Not broken......

"Tattoos are the stories in your heart, written on your skin." - Charles De Lint

I have 5 tattoos total, my newest one I got just yesterday. For me, each of my tattoos means something to me, something I accomplished or overcame, something that left a mark or helped to make me who I am, and so I honored that mark by making it permanent. I know people have mixed feelings on tattoos, my mother is not a huge fan. But, I am going to take a minute to explain mine to you, to try to explain.....what they mean to me.
I got my first tattoo when I was 15, yes, I was an extremely rebellious child ~ usually if my parents asked me NOT to do something, it just went without saying.....I did it. I broke rules and curfew, I caused them many endless nights of worry. I thought they were trying to hold me back, trying to make sure I never had any fun at all. In hindsight of course, they were right........there are many things I wish I had done differently, I certainly never regret my choices or the consequences that went with them (they all had a part of making me who I am, the good and the bad) but if I could go back and do it all again, but NOT cause my parents so much heartache....I would, because I know I hurt them during those years. The tattoo I got was a cross, right below my waist.......I have had 3 children since then and it is not pretty, at all. It has been stretched and re-stretched so that it no longer even resembles a cross, (for that reason there will be no photo of it) but I know what it is, and it reminds me that I certainly DO NOT know everything.
My next tattoo I got at the ripe age of 18, when I graduated from high school ~ because well, I graduated, I was starting a new chapter. It is on my ankle, I intended to eventually have the vines encircle my ankle after further education, the course of my life changed though, and so it has stopped at just the one side, no encircling and I'm ok with that, that tattoo reminds me that my plans are not always God's plans.

At the age of 19, the best thing in the world happened to me, I became a mom for the first time. I was in labor for 14 1/2 hours and had 2 doses of pain medicine the whole time, Rhein Andrew was born at 7lbs 12 oz, and my life was changed forever. For a little while it was just he and I against the world. I had no idea what I was doing, and it took me a while to figure out, but one thing I knew for certain was this baby was mine, and I would do anything in the world for him. I sang to him during my entire pregnancy, I knew his name almost the moment I knew he was a boy and I adapted "you are my sunshine" to be "You are my raindrop" (he will hate that I'm sharing that). So, about 6 weeks after he was born, I got my raindrop tattoo. To me that tattoo is not just a raindrop, but also a tear drop. Being that young and pregnant was one of the most difficult times in my life, I had friends and my family to lean on, but it was the first time I felt truly alone and scared. But, I made it....we made it, Rhein and I, and though there were tears along the way, the "rain drop" is and will always be my silver lining, my reminder that nothing worth having is easy.

I then took a hiatus from tattoos I guess...because my next tattoo was shortly after Rhevl was born (some 10 years later), it is my "sisters" tattoo and was also my most painful. I have two sisters, we wanted to find something that would be meaningful to all 3 of us, and I believe we accomplished that. My middle sister drew our design, we decided on a Celtic triskel (it stands for the three goddesses) and an old German S right in the center (our maiden name is 100% German and starts with an S). We didn't put any placement or color stipulations on the tattoo, except no matter what colors we chose the old German S would have to be in "blue jean blue" to honor our wonderful Gramps, who wore blue jean overalls almost every day of his life. My tattoo is on my foot, my middle sister got hers on her back and my youngest sister also got hers on her foot. That tattoo reminds me that family is forever, and sometimes it hurts like hell....but we are stronger together than we will ever be apart.

Which brings me to my latest tattoo.....less physical pain was endured while it was actually being put onto my skin, but the emotional pain it took to get there was 11 years in the making. Eleven years ago my my two oldest children were diagnosed with Fragile X Syndrome, I am a carrier of Fragile X Syndrome. I lived in denial for MANY years, you know the big thing that no one wants to talk about, the elephant in the room. I have watched my children struggle with things that come simply to "typical" kids, I have watched them struggle to fit in, I have watched them make progress and then regress, I have seen the look of defeat in their eyes. But, I have also seen them fight, seen them rise above, seen them give 110%, and seen them filled with joy.  As I slowly came to terms with the fact that Fragile X will affect their lives FOREVER, I also had to realize that it will also affect mine (being a carrier comes with it's own set of issues). I stumbled across some jewelry made by a fellow fragile x mom (we have a pretty great on-line community) it was a chalk drawing she made that said "Fragile......not broken", it struck a chord with me. Those three words sum it all up rather perfectly, Fragile, we know that, it's right in the name ~ Fragile X. But, not broken.....we can take on a lot and I'm sure people can think of many words to describe me, but broken is not one, I can guarantee you that......never broken. So, I talked to my tattoo artist, explained Fragile X and all that encompasses, explained to her the infinity symbol is very important to me and all my kids, my youngest (who does not have Fragile X) still says  "I love you infinity" every night at bed time. I wasn't sure if it was possible to somehow incorporate the X into the infinity, but she certainly did. And then of course the wording, and the big debate when you are tattooing your wrist/forearm, should the words face you, or the world. So, I opted for both......to the world, it is just simply fragile X, but to me it is a reminder that I am "not broken", and I will not/ can not ever give up the good fight for awareness and treatment for my boys and my family. It couldn't have turned out more perfectly.

"The tattoo is the mark of the soul, it can act as a window we can see in or it can be our shield to protect us from those that can't see past the surface." ~ Unknown

My something.......

"A goal without a plan is just a wish" -Antoine de Saint-Exupry

Last summer my husband and I attended our first International Fragile X Conference, it was amazing. Before attending I had always thought it would be neat to go, I had no idea how vital it would be or how much it would change my life.
We have had the diagnosis of Fragile X for 11 years this month....whew, it is so hard to believe that it has been that long! When we were first diagnosed, there was no facebook (there was barely internet). I remember that our doctor knew nothing about Fragile X and was very upfront about that. The library had nothing on the syndrome, I had one book. So, I searched, and searched. I read so many websites that I was filled with information, that honestly at the time scared the living crap out of me, and was also very complex and hard to understand. Through all of my searches I found http://www.fraxa.org/ and http://www.fragilex.org/ from those sites I found an e-mail list I could join, and I did. I also found a parent contact in western Kansas, I called several times, left messages, and heard absolutely nothing. So, I read e-mails. Through the "list-serv" we could sometimes receive over 200 e-mails a day! I could hardly keep up, it was frustrating at times. I did find though, that if I had a particularly hard day, or a question, or any kind of problem and I wrote it in an e-mail and sent it out there in cyber land through the list-serv, people responded....several people.
Through this amazingly complex e-mail system, I found support....real support, from people who truly understood, who knew what I was talking about, who had and dealt with the same issues. It was amazing. I hate to overuse an analogy but I have said before that when you find out your child has a disability it is like you are suddenly placed on an island......alone, and fighting like crazy to get back to the mainland. The island grew slightly with the list-serv and I had conversations with people through e-mail that meant the world to me, kept me from giving up, helped us with IEP meetings, modification needs, learning style differences and gave us hope......hope that life on the island wasn't so terrible, as long as we had a map!
Years went by, and then there came facebook. Finally, we could join a group and actually see pictures of some of the people we had talked to and gotten advice from for years. Through pure serendipity we met another family in Kansas with 2 children affected, and they, thank goodness told us about the Kansas Fragile X group based out of Kansas City, once again our lives changed.......(there's a whole village on the island we didn't know about)!!!
What a life changer, really.
Since finding the group, we have been to 3 local conferences, 2 walks in Kansas City, 1 International Conference and Fragile X Advocacy Day, in Washington D.C. I want to focus on the International Conference though, my husband and I were awarded scholarships to cover our conference fee, so we figured out the rest and went to Orange County California to finally meet a large part of our  "Fragile X Family"! I can never put into words what attending the International Conference meant to me, I met some of the most amazing people I have ever met. It was like finding the capitol of our island, and everyone being glad you were there! In a lot of ways the "fragile x family" is like your best friend from Kindergarten, you can tell a story, or ask a question, you can express your opinion. Though we may not all agree all the time, you are just accepted, there is no need to explain, no need to tell a back story, no need to feel embarrassed, it is just honestly a huge community of people who know....that's it, they just know. We all share that twinge of nervousness (along with many other traits) and we all have that hidden, tiny flicker of sadness and that is ok......really it is. I have never been part of anything that made me feel just so unconditionally loved and supported, like coming home, like taking a breath...a real breath, for the first time in 10 years.
After leaving the conference, my goal has been to go to the next one. Not just my husband and I, but our boys, our family members (the ones that want to). At the conference they had sessions for "self-advocates", we found that amazing and wished more could attend. We have amazing support in our home community and my mother came up with the idea of selling food (Indian Taco's) at our city wide garage sales twice a year to raise the money needed to cover the boys' expenses for the next International Conference (conference fees, hotel and food approximately $1200). So, after our first fundraiser we had earned more than half of their total cost, we decided then that if we go over our goal we will find a way to offer "scholarships" to other "self-advocates", so that they may also attend. We just finished our second fund-raiser, the turn out was amazing and am pleased to say we have exceeded our initial goal and have a whole year to earn more! The scholarships we received changed our lives, we just want to pay that forward.
On this island, there are not many things that you can do that actually feel like you are making a difference, a lot of times it is just you ~ fighting the same current.....over and over, feeling lost and confused. It can be overwhelming, it can make a person want to stop trying. But, knowing that you get to visit the CAPITOL OF THE ISLAND (International Conference) every 2 years, that gives you a goal, something attainable, something to work towards, a purpose...... that makes all the difference.

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I can not do everything, I will not refuse to do the something I can do." ~ Edward E. Hale

The BIG DEAL.......

Last week I was in Washington D.C. with my son, we attended The 12th annual National Fragile X Advocacy Day, it was our first. While in Washington my mind was racing with all the things I would write about when we got home, but now of course I can't remember any of those, they will come to me in time I hope. Instead I am just going to share a story, about a boy and his first experience with the Fragile X world. This story (or parts of it) will run in our local paper along with some photos. I can not possibly explain to people how much our Fragile X family means to us, or how much this trip meant to Rhett, but I will try!

Rhett  is the middle child of Jason and Christina , he is 13 and attends Holton Middle School, he was diagnosed with mosaic Fragile X in 2004 along with his older brother. Fragile x is the most common cause of inherited intellectual impairment and the most common inherited cause of autism. Rhett recently attended the 12th Annual National Fragile X Foundation’s Advocacy Day in Washington DC accompanied by his mother and grandmother, Nancy. This year there were 200 advocates from across the country, and a record number of self-advocates, Rhett being one of them. There were 9 advocates from the Kansas Fragile X Support Group in attendance.

Rhett did an amazing job representing children and individuals with Fragile X across the nation. He also very proudly explained to each member of congress as well as other parents and advocates that he is a 7^th grade STUCO representative at Holton Middle School in Holton, Kansas. The support he has received from his teachers and classmates throughout his school years has been amazing and appreciated.

Rhett suffers and over comes adversity on a daily basis, due to his Fragile X Syndrome. He had to overcome many obstacles just to participate in this Advocacy day, and we along with the other members of the National Fragile X Foundation are very proud of him. Every part of the process was completely new for him. From airport security to first plane ride, to meeting other self-advocates, attending training, and speaking to congressmen and senators. He overcame his anxiety and went through airport security and experienced his first plane ride. He overcame his uncomfortableness in large groups to participate in an 6 hour training (with 2 breaks), as an active participant, where he had to practice what he would say in front of a group of 10 people all while being in a room with 200 advocates (parents, siblings and self-advocates). Rhett was able to see some amazing things while in D.C. He is an avid CNN watcher and had a small list of things he absolutely wanted to see, like the Lincoln Memorial, the Martin Luther King JR. Memorial and the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier changing of the guard’s ceremony. He was able to see all of those things prior to the start of training.

Then we got to take the trip to Capitol Hill. We received a personal tour from Congressman Greg Harper, from Mississippi, who has a son affected by Fragile X Syndrome. We were able to start our day in the House Chambers, where Rhett was asked by Congressman Harper to please sit in the front row. We were able to learn about the history of the House Chamber and see where the President walks in to address congress during his yearly State of the Union.  We then began a tour of the rotunda and Rhett was personally escorted to the “House Balcony” by Congressman Harper to see the amazing view. We spent the rest of the day walking through the Senate and House buildings on Capitol Hill and meeting with staffers (members were very busy due to the impeding snowstorm).

Rhett was able to tell his story to the following people: Emily Mueller, Health Policy Advisor for Pat Roberts, who said “He shared with me his personal story of living with Fragile X and advocated for increased awareness and research toward improving treatments for those living with it.  His was a powerful story to illustrate to the Senator the impact medical research can have for Kansans and all Americans and we greatly appreciate his engagement as such a young age!”.

Joe Badger, legislative correspondent for Jerry Moran, had this to say about meeting Rhett, “I appreciated the opportunity to learn from Rhett and the rest of the group about Fragile X, the challenges it presents, and the hope that the future holds for individuals and families impacted by Fragile X.  We appreciate you taking the time to visit us in Washington, and we certainly value having you as a resource on these important issues.  Please feel free to contact me if I may ever be of service.”

We also met with Michael Brooks, legislative assistant for Kevin Yoder, and Colin Brainard, Senior Policy Advisor of Health & Tax for Lynn Jenkins. We are working on planning a follow up visit with Congresswoman Jenkins in her Topeka office, and are hoping she will be able to join us at our local walk this fall. All of the Senators, Congressmen and staffers were sent information packets about Rhett before his arrival which included the campaign video he made when running for STUCO representative this year, and upon meeting them Rhett passed out a business card and brochure to each member. He was treated with the upmost respect.

Since Rhett received his diagnosis of Fragile X in 2004 we have faced and overcome many obstacles, from educating ourselves, our doctors and our IEP teams about the syndrome to desperately trying to spread awareness. This was an empowering experience; one that you could walk away from knowing that your voice was heard and it was a truly amazing experience. Rhett had such a positive experience and was so well accepted that he is looking forward to attending this special day annually.

Now, we have been home for a week.......Rhett is experiencing the typical "blues" that occur after leaving such a large group of people that truly understand, respect and care about you. Even though we have to resume our "normal" lives, he and I talked about how it is pretty awesome to know that you are part of something much bigger, and it is pretty great to learn what I have tried to tell him for years,  that yes Rhett, you are a pretty BIG DEAL!

Lonely Secrets

"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets" ~ Paul Tournier

This is a hard one to write.....but after the 2 speeches at the Oscars last night that struck a chord with me, I feel like I really need to write it. I am not looking for sympathy, or validation. I am simply hoping that by sharing my story people can understand the reality behind depression, as I truly feel like it is a disease that you can not possibly understand unless you have experienced it. The best you can do is to empathize, and really everyone should.
It always amazes me the question that the doctor asks (I guess to see if you are depressed)......"Have you thought of hurting yourself?" Easy answer NO.... because it goes much deeper than that. Have I thought that I am a total failure? YES. Have I thought I will never be good enough or do enough? YES. Have I thought people in my life would be better off without me? YES. Have I thought I will not make it through the day? YES. Have I thought I am not worthy of love, complements or praise? YES. But have I thought of hurting myself?.....NO.
I have struggled with Anxiety/Depression for most of my life without even realizing it, I thought my thoughts and antics were totally normal, because they were my normal. Looking back, I can see that I have obviously had issues with anxiety/depression since adolescents. I spent many years looking for acceptance, love and a way to feel better, in all the WRONG places.  I'm sure most people would try to blame all of this on their circumstances, their family or their surroundings....I do not. I also do not try to excuse my actions or behaviors, I had a rough time because I didn't love myself, I didn't even like myself and I thought that was totally "normal". The lows always got lower though and it wasn't until an extremely low point after my youngest child was born that I actually saw my issues for what they were, sought help, and started on this journey of learning about my mental health.
This journey has taught me many things, it has given me the ability to look at things differently, to see the other side, to see the logic. I used to view things solely in a "self-centered" state of mind. I also realize how hard it was (and is) to be my friend, and I am thankful for the few who stood beside me through it all. Now, for the most part, I am beyond that.
For me anxiety and depression go hand and hand, if I am not anxious then it is more than likely because I have gone into the numb state of depression.The numb state is what is scary, the numb state is where I cease to have feelings, or dreams or hope. It's a very difficult, very fine line to walk. Where your logic is constantly battling with your emotions. I am thankful everyday for having the logic to realize what was happening and call my doctor when the bad emotions got worse. I am thankful for the people who know me, truly know me, and love me despite my flaws. And quite honestly I am thankful for the people who don't. When you walk this line that I and many others walk, you have very little room for negativity. It is emotionally draining at best. It is hard to realize that people you once considered friends or even family are actually toxic to your mental well being, it is extremely painful to realize. But, it is absolutely necessary, for me I am my own worst enemy....... I have poor self-esteem, I say terrible things to myself in my own head, I am hard on myself, I set unrealistic expectations for myself, there is very little room for the added pressure of toxic relationships and negative people.
There is no cure......but there is treatment, and it may take a while to find what works for you (big surprise we aren't all wired the same). For me, I have some amazing people in my life in addition to them I have found prayer, meditation, essential oils and medication help to keep me balanced. This doesn't mean I don't have lows, I certainly do. People close to me will know when that happens because I withdraw, forget things, and shut-down. I have found if I keep busy and focused, it is much harder to be distracted by my own self-hate. Thankfully, I have a lot to keep me busy......
I hope that most people will never experience the gamete of emotions that are involved in depression/anxiety. I think it is hard to understand because people don't "talk about it out loud", for most people to think about depression means someone is sad, in a rut, feeling sorry for themselves, having a pity party. When that is really very far from the truth...Depression is dark and dangerous, it attacks your mind, plays with your emotion, makes you honestly believe things that are never true. If we don't talk about it, the only option is to hide it away like a deep dark secret, and that is obviously not doing anyone any favors.
"Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer" ~ Dorothy Rowe

Freezer Meals...easy, right?

For about a year now I have been thinking about making "freezer meals". With a husband, three boys, exchange student, sporting activities, cub scouts, practices and my new real estate career, it makes sense and would make my life easier on those busy nights when we barely have time to order take-out.
I have a cookbook about it, I have endless "pins" on my pinterest boards about it, heck I've even sort of half way done a few times. Today, I am finally putting myself to work.....making some freezer meals, of course I am only finally doing it because I am leaving town in a little over a week. So, it won't really make my life easier ~ but it will make sure my family is still eating good food while I'm gone. Hopefully, I can work this in to my regular weekly or bi-weekly routine and eventually make my life easier as well.
This is going to be a small insight into how my brain works............. it might be scary!
There is endless amounts of information about freezer meals online. It is somewhat overwhelming, just to decide how in the world to start! I think that is why I have not ever just had a "cook-day", I couldn't ever figure out where to start, I also abhor changing my routine and I have been menu planning for YEARS. So, this is what I found worked for me. I make a menu every week, on Wednesday nights. My kids don't like half of the food I make, but we can't possibly live off of pizza and hamburgers so I shoot for making foods they like at least twice a week. (I know, I'm terribly mean).
I have menu making down to an exact science...several steps are involved. I have a list of foods we enjoy (most of us), and I have them broken into categories ~ Soup/Salad, Casserole, Pasta, Breakfast, and "Stand-Alone" (this means a meat main dish that will need a side, usually potatoes and green beans). Then, I have a chart, so Monday ~ Stand-Alone, Tuesday ~ Soup, Wednesday ~ Leftovers, Thursday ~ Breakfast, Friday ~ Casserole, Saturday ~ Soup/Salad, Sunday ~ Pasta. Next comes the grocery ad, I go through the ads every week (pretty easy here, we only have 2 grocery stores) and find the best sales and deals. Of course this also involves me making a list (I REALLY like making lists). Then, I pick out meals from my chart that are made with items on sale (I also stock up on things we use a lot if they are on sale). This is where I used to try to fit coupons in also, but really that was an awful lot of work and I would usually end up buying things I didn't need or use. I still occasionally will add some digital coupons to my card, but only AFTER my grocery list is made. Yes, then I make a grocery list from my menu, I put it in the order that I will walk down the aisle, until recently I thought most people make their lists this way ~ apparently not.
So, this week I followed my usual plan, but when I made my list I doubled some of the ingredients. When I make one meal, I will make double and Freeze the extra. By the end of the week I will have 4 meals frozen for my trip, plus a lot of my prep work for the week done. And really I only spent about $10 more than usual at the store. Each week, I shoot for spending $100 or less at the grocery store, this feeds my family of 6 every night, lunch on the weekends, plus lunches for my husband , youngest son and myself the rest of the week. (I spend an additional $40 - $50 at a big-box store for snacks, drinks and breakfast foods). If all goes well, I really hope to keep freezing meals, and maybe even start a "freezer meal" group in my area (because all moms need something to make life easier).

My Baby Boy......

My baby turned 7 this past week, it's a harsh reminder that time is going by much to fast. I say a lot that he is the "little big brother". He truly is. The first week of first grade I sat next to him while he read "Green Eggs and Ham" cover to cover and I cried, because I remember going over that book line for line because my 5th grader was struggling with reading it. He is patient with both of his older brothers and tries to help them understand things, he always looks for the silver lining for them, points out the things they do well when they are worried about something they struggle with. They are still brothers so they enjoy pestering each other, fighting and driving me crazy on an almost daily basis. He has a big heart, I constantly worry that I push him too far, or expect too much from him.
 Last year in the midst of planning a walk for Fragile X, I was completely taken aback when he said "I wish I had Fragile X".............let me explain.
8 years ago I was a mother of two, a 9 year old and a 6 year old, both boys and both Mosaic Fragile X. Deciding to have a baby when you know you are a carrier of a genetic condition that could be passed on and cause your child difficulty in life is not easy.We did not take the decision to have another baby lightly, we talked about it, we prayed about it. I bought books about how to increase your chances of having a girl, why? Well, I really wanted to have a baby girl and quite honestly, girls have a smaller chance of being affected by Fragile X. We had charts, we had a plan. We would follow the guidelines in the books, we would have a girl. I remember telling my husband, if we go through ALL of this and still have a boy, then well...God wants me to be a mother of boys!
 4 months later my husband, 2 sons, one of my sisters and I sat in a room watching my sonogram, hearing this sweet little baby's heartbeat.The technician asked if we would like to know the baby's sex ~ our answer was "Of Course".
It's a boy!!!!
Once again a reminder that sometimes my plans don't work out, because God has better ones!
I drove myself home from that sonogram (the boys rode with my husband) and I cried, I cried the whole way home. Crying for the loss of a little girl I now knew I would never have, crying for once again dreaming dreams that would not come true. Then even more so crying, because I realized how utterly selfish I was being, my God....I had just heard the sweetest sound in the world, my baby's heartbeat, and no matter what I LOVED him. I hoped and prayed that he would be healthy, that he would not get the mutated X gene (now a 50% chance he would and I was already 2 for 2).
February 1st, 2008 after being in labor most of the day without even realizing it ( guess what? labor isn't the same every time) my baby was born a short 3 hours after arriving at the center. Since he was my third (and final) baby, I went the completely natural route and had him at the birthing center with my mid-wife and mid-wife in training. My husband helped deliver him and my mother was there, (my biggest cheerleader in the delivery room).
He was perfect, in every way.
We brought him home to meet his brothers, aunts, and Pa a mere 4 hours after coming into this world. He is ornery, he is silly, he is smart, he is caring, and he will forever be my baby BOY!
Even though he is our third child, we learn new things from him all the time. Raising a "typical" child is a lot different than we are used to. School is different, friends are different, sports are different, activities are different, conversations are different. He is everything I never knew I wanted, God knew what he was doing, he knew what I needed.

"There has never been, nor will there ever be, anything quite so special as the love between a mother and a son" - Author unknown